friends with benefits

meeting Gohan again

So. That “date” yesterday didn’t turn out how I expected it to. Well, I didn’t expect much, did I? I wanted to leave all options open, although I did think about how I wasn’t allowed to have sex for yet another week because of my surgery. So you can imagine how far my imagination had gone by the time I reread all the old posts about Gohan.

My mind got really messed by the time I met up with him. I was thinking about getting back in a relationship with him, or maybe just having a friendship with benefits. I wondered why things never worked out. I imagined how nice it would be, to have someone this close (in distance)… To sum things up: my mind was flying at around 130mph.

But then, when I saw him at the train station… after the first thing he said, I remembered why we didn’t work out. As mean as this may sound, but I just knew I could never ever be with him, just like I said on all these other posts about him.
We don’t share a lot of common interests and do see life from very different points of view. He talks a lot about himself. He has a lot of issues with his personality and tries to verify them with things that have nothing to do with it. And he’s just weird. There’s nothing wrong with being weird, but he’s so proud of being different… it’s just not what I like in a guy.

I went home at 1am after driving him home, so we spent a good 4 hours talking. Or rather him talking for like 3.5 of them. But with each minute I just felt more and more uncomfortable. At first things were okay, we talked and it was nice to meet someone I haven’t seen in so long. But by 11pm I got really tired and just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t realise. By 12.30am he said we should head home and he was mumbling something about going home and watching some Netflix. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to join, but I knew I would not go to his house. It ended up being no question, so that was fine for me.

All summed up: it was nice to see him, but that’ll leave me satisfied for a looong time. We haven’t texted since either. He was very touchy and cuddley and kept telling me how “sexless” he was, to which I didn’t say anything. He asked me to give him my jacket or warm him up, which I found so weird that I didn’t reply. He asked why I didn’t reply and I was like “I’m not gonna give you my jacket!” Like, what?! I didn’t feel the need to cuddle him or whatever, although he tried several times. But I guess after a while he realised I would not give him what he wanted.
He also apologised for how he’s treated me after the breakup. He realised that he was very emotionally unavailable and was not reacting how he should have. But I have long gotten over it, so it was no big deal. Sure it was nice to see that he realised he behaved wrong… but you know, it’s been 5 years.

As I said, it was okay. But nothing like I expected. Not exactly in a bad way, but not in a good way either. It did make me want to date again though. But oh well…

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What a dickhead!

Guys, you will not believe what happened. I am beyond furious – on the other hand I’m glad it’s finally over.
So I texted Gohan on Sunday, right? I told him that I couldn’t go on like that and that I don’t see us working out blahblahblah. So 3 days later (today) he finally had the gutts to answer. He went blahblah I’m glad you told me blahblah we had an awesome time blah lah… And then he’s telling me he only wanted fun anyway?! Seriously dude? You made such a drama when I ignored you for a DAY. You made such a big deal when I went abroad and asked to see you again without any intentions. And now you’re telling me there were no feelings involved??!! Fuck you. Just fuck you, dude. I hope to never ever cross paths with you ever again because you’re a fuckhead. That’s what you are. “I thought that was clear”. Yeah I can read your mind. Oh and don’t tell me you didn’t have any feelings because I actually can tell apart whether I’m friends with a dude or more. I know when someone has a crush on me. Just fuck you dude. For being such a fucker.

Anyway so on Monday I texted a few guys to get my self-esteem back. Guess who I might date after Christmas? The guy from the past! He asked me out again. And yes I know he only wants sex. But honestly? Right now I don’t give one single fuck anymore. Just fuck this shit.

date with guy from the past.

What is wrong with me? The guy from the past just messaged me, asking how the festival was (guess he didn’t notice I wasn’t there :-P) – probably because I poked him on facebook, although we aren’t even friends on there.. so we talked a little while and he pretty much asked straight away “we could meet just like that?!” Well actually after I asked him whether he found a girl (because he told me he wanted to ‘find’ a girlfriend on the festival) and he answered that he didn’t even bother to search. Next thing: “we could date though?” So I was like: “yeah why not?”

He did ask once before (but it never happened), after we went out to a party somewhen back in September last year (the last time I saw him), and I was pretty excited because I thought I would never see him, if it wouldn’t be for a festival or a party or whatever – which would at least take another year. Anyway, we didn’t go to that party TOGETHER, but just met there and talked a bit – he was the reason I went there anyway. He pretty much got me drunk back then, but was too drunk himself to take advantage of me.

But now that he’s asked me again, I’m not quite sure what he wants. Like if he expects more of it, or whatever. I know he thinks I’m cute (and so is he!). He told me back then, when we talked about our kiss(es), which I didn’t remember, and I was like “yeah all you want is sex anyway” so he told me what he likes about me and it was really cute to be honest. Of course, first thing was saying he likes my boobs for whatever reason lol – that’s just him though -, but he said that he liked my personality and thinks that I’m cute and so on. We do get along pretty well, and he’s funny, good-looking and everything else. Like he lives by himself, has a great job, just things which I love in men. Whatever, so I’m not sure if he thinks about me in a relationship-kind of way or just as friends (with benefits). Either way, I’m unsure about it right now, as of how to behave next to him when we’re alone, because we never have spent time on our own, even less sober. This is so weird! I have seen him about 3 or 4 times by now, and everytime either (or both) were totally wasted.

Anyway, as I’m not sure whether I’m even home the next few weeks, I don’t even know when I’ll have time to meet him. Maybe I’ll just visit on a normal workday, so I have an excuse to go home in the evening (another thing I’m afraid about, for whatever reason).. or we’ll just hang out like friends. Why am I even thinking about those things? Seriously, that’s why I hate when there is something between a boy and me. I just don’t know how to behave anymore, while I really don’t give a shit when I’m with friends or people I don’t know. I have those ‘friends’ and those ‘could-be-a-boyfriend-friends’, so I’m really unsure and weird around latter.

However, let’s just see what’s going on. At least there is some boys-action in my life again.

PS: Yay! Seems like my weight loss shows off, because a friend of mine asked whether I have lost a lot of weight yet (which I definitely haven’t – 6lbs maybe)… cool!