the little things.

Sometimes the little things start to add up.

Don’t get me wrong. I am happy in this relationship. Even though it might not seem like it, because I’m grumbling a lot about things… I actually am. I have not yet seen any reason to end this relationship, even though it has not been easy at all in the last few weeks.

Today is my birthday. Tomorrow we’re driving to his parents (8hour drive), just because… we have been up there 3 weeks ago already, because his granny wasn’t too well. We had planned on going for a while, because his mom’s birthday was 2 days ago. Now there’s also the funeral to go to on Friday. All of this would not be a problem, but I’m just so done with always going a long way for him, and not getting things in return.
He asked me last week, whether we would drive there from my place, I said yes. He’s been off from his night shift today. At first he wanted to not sleep, when we talked about it last week and I said he should. I always thought he would come to my place afterwards, because he could sleep here as well. Well, it is now 10am, he’s not here and has texted me that he is finally in bed. He texted me a couple of hours ago that he’s on his way home. I already knew that “home” was not here. He never calls it that. And now I’m disappointed. He asked me to take the day off and I did. And now I’m sitting here on my birthday, all on my own without any plans, waiting for him to show up whenever (won’t be until late afternoon, I’ve known him too well for that). And it just sucks.

He’s a good one. He really is. He does a lot of little things for me, that I do appreciate but aren’t exactly what I need. But when it comes to the things I want, I get nothing. And don’t get me wrong, I am NOT angry or anything the like. I’m just disappointed to be sitting at home on my birthday, because I usually enjoy working at my birthday. But whatever. Now gotta get this day done with. Everyone is at work, so it’s not like I could ask anyone to get out with. Whatever.

And birthdays (just like Christmas and whatever) are always hard for me, because it makes it so obvious how stupid my father is (not have heard anything from him in like 12 years).

Happy birthday to me, yay.


birthday dinner

Yesterday happened so much, but so little at the same time. It was Alan’s birthday. Ever since we started dating I was dreading that day, because I’m so bad at presents. I don’t usually want to just buy something, but be personal with my gifts.

But let’s start from the beginning. Last weekend I asked if I should go over on his birthday and he said that he had no plans and he would love me to. On Monday night he told me that we’re going out for dinner with his mum and her boyfriend. As you might have guessed from some of my last posts, I was terrified of meeting her. He had told me so much about her disliking his ex-girlfriends that I was worried she would not like me as well. He did try to calm me, saying that if I can hold up a conversation and not do weird things (like pull my hairs out at the table and throw them on the floor – yes, his ex-girlfriend did exactly this), we would be fine.

I was already upset, as I was late because of traffic – that they would have to wait on me. So when I drove up to his house and a bike was following me, I was so annoyed at the driver for not overtaking. Until I realised it was actually Alan. He told me to wait a second and we’ll drive right on to the restaurant.
And that’s what we did. When I parked the car they were waiting by the door and I got even more nervous. We said hello, shaking hands. All good. They asked me questions and everything was good. However I was not able to really hold the conversation up like I usually do. I don’t usually have problems talking to people, even strangers… but whenever I’m nervous I get all shy. But once we were at the table in the restaurant the conversation flowed and I told some stories and they asked me questions and whatever. It’s not like I’d say she liked me a lot, but I also didn’t think that she disliked me.

When Alan and I were back at his place, we were talking about it. He actually said “so you survived the devil, huh?” and I was like: “yeah surviving doesn’t mean she likes me! I wont’ say a word until you tell me what she thinks of me”. He then went on to tell me that if she hadn’t liked me, she would have looked at him weirdly or made some nasty comment when I was on the toilet – which didn’t happen. So we’ll see. I actually really like her personality. Especially in contrast to his dumbass father (who reminds me a whole lot of my own, so that’s why).

His father wasn’t home when we returned, which I actually was really glad about after everything I heard about him at dinner from Alan’s mum. Then Alan asked me if I want to take a shower with him, which was a first. I actually thought he didn’t like to, because he hasn’t asked so far. So that happened. Just before we hopped in to the shower, he went to the toilet – so I took the time to lay out his presents: a 3 paged letter about my feelings, a ticket to the blue man group-show in October and some brownies I baked the day before. He saw the brownies first, which he thanked me for (can’t put my finger on it though whether he likes them or not). Oh and in the afternoon I made a crown for him, because he asked for it. Which I gave to him right when I came home. He was so happy about it, it was really cute.
Anyway, so he saw the brownies and went on to get ready for bed. When he turned on the nightlamp (I had set the letter right in front of it) he looked at it, looked at me and just shook his head (in a good way). I lay in bed when he started reading it and I actually was more nervous than before the first date or every other day. I wasn’t sure how he would react about my confessions. He did smile several times whilst reading it, but you know… Afterwards he cuddled me real hard and said, that he had never received something like that ever before and that he loved it and it was very thoughtful and cute and that he will read it every night from now on. Awww.

So that was a success and I’m just so happy that he’s in my life.

Happy Birthday, Kenny!

Just a quick update as I am suffering from immense back pain, and I need to keep moving to make it go away and have been writing an essay for school due on Friday for the last 3 hours…

Today was Kenny’s birthday. His package arrived on time. I actually was really nervous when I realised that he might not react the way I expected him to. What if he’d hate it? Or hate me?! But I was worrying over nothing. When he got home in the afternoon he at first just texted me saying “you’re such a dumbass :-* 😀 “. He then told me how happy he was about the presents and that he’s going to think about me every time he uses one of these things. Cute.

I found that very charming and found myself grinning all the while thinking about it. He was genuinely happy and that was a rarity for me. This is a replaying scene actually. Me grinning when thinking about him. And I wish I could stop it already again, but you know, sometimes it feels good to just be happy. Although I know I might never get what I want from him, at least for these tiny moments I am happy. Until I find someone worth loving, who will love me back. And maybe one day I will get used to the thought of him never going to be mine. Who knows really, what the future holds for me?!

fall down – get up again!

I am usually not one to post music videos on here, but this song has saved my weekend (and has somewhat made me realise how accurate it is to my situation – just always try again!):

I went to the movies with Mr. Cucu to watch Zootopia and that song was playing along the credits and I couldn’t stop singing it for the life of it. I have been dancing around the flat all day today, singing this song. I went out walking (because I’m somewhat trying to get a bit more fit and healthy) and have been grinning like an idiot, mouthing the lyrics I already can sing by heart. Tell me again how depressed I was just a few days ago?!

Anyway. Things with Kenny have been the same. He has texted me over the weekend though, but then I think his girlfriend wasn’t over. He did ask me on Friday what I was up to this weekend, and he usually never asks, because he knows I’ll ask back. So I’m just guessing. We’ll see in a week.
2016-03-06 18.11.10

I went to a birthday party of a schoolfriend on Friday, whom I had to make a birthday present for. I talked to Kenny about it and he said that he would love that present (I was making a lot of tiny presents with sweets in them). As it’s Kenny’s birthday this week, I laid my hands on some sweets and today started wrapping them up. I think he knows that I will follow through, but he asked me to bring it over, when we were joking about getting him the same present(s). I won’t. I will send it. I did write a short letter though, didn’t get emotional, just stated that I liked him and having him back in my life. I don’t expect him to get all lovey dovey, so I just wanted to keep it simple.

There was also an interesting part of a conversation yesterday. He sent me a kiss emoticon.
Me: Over and over again, huh?
Him: What?
Me: Kissing without any heads-up.
Him: Yes. Surprising, that’s what makes it exciting.
Me: Always surprising how I react or what? 😀
Him: Yes, that, too. But what you make out of it…
So I’m not really sure what he was trying to tell me. That I let him kiss me? Or that I actually try not to kiss back, but can’t hold myself? Even now I probably would kiss him back.

Whatever. I won’t give up, no, I won’t give in.. until I reach the end.. and then I’ll start again! I wanna try even though I could fail. *sing* You see.. I have been quite depressed, and I’m not gonna lie, I have been thinking that I might end up alone. And I worry about that. But then, I’ll just have to try again.. and again.. and again. Even if I might fail.


Today is Gohan’s birthday.
Since we ‘broke up’ (there wasn’t really anything to break up in the first place) we haven’t talked once. Not like ever. So it’s been … holy crap, it’s already been 5 months since I last talked to him.
I still think about him every now and then and I have been thinking about whether to text him a Happy Birthday message or not, but I decided against it. I do not want to talk to him again because it would upset me. Maybe I’m still not completely over him although I didn’t even know whether I have been in love with him in the first place. I guess I was. I just don’t know whether I could deal with him being in my life again. I’d be afraid to fall for him again, because he made me feel so much better while we were ‘together’. I’m not even mad at him for beingvsuch a dickhead, I’m mad because I still think about him despite his behaviour.
After everything I’ve been through with him and having the knowledge that we could never work out, I still think about him in this way sometimes. It’s not a lot, but mostly when I’m feeling lonely.

So yes, I have been feeling awkward lately.