his response. | part 2.

Sorry, that post has been getting way longer than I had intended, so here comes part 2:

I put probably an hour into writing that text I sent him. I expected a lot in return, let’s be honest. I wanted him to understand. To spread the love he always claims he has.

1.5 hours later [12am] I got back this response:

Of course, to argue two people are needed and each one will play his part. Just to put some things straight: I rarely see my mother and I do not think I need to justify seeing her (just like getting blamed on talking to your mother for “2 hours”). The road trip abroad has long been planned, and as I was a guest I couldn’t have just taken someone along – that has nothing to do with you, I would have acted the same way with a friend.

In the beginning you had a lot of comprehension that I’m studying. There has been a time, when I’ve postponed everything from school, so I had to put time into university when we spent time together. I understood that you got upset about this and now work each day for school, so I can fully enjoy the time spent with you 🙂 but when I get a feedback on Thursday and need to hand in the corrected essay that same day, I just have to write it that day. I wish you would show some comprehension, especially now that the term is ending.

You’re right, you are a person to be read. But then give me the time to learn, because obviously I’m no good at it right now. I wish I was though. I never said we have to go to the movies to watch a movie I want to see. So how did you feel about me talking to your mother?

If you really do not want to discuss this any further, I ask you to ignore what I told you above. I do understand you, but I hope that you as well try to understand me.

Instead of finding the release I had hoped to find in his answer – or an apology, which yes I needed and wanted (and also think deserved)… I got upset once more.

I tried to put my thoughts into words one last time:

I just knew it would end up like that: you justifying your actions, although I told you I understood. I did not blame you for seeing your mom, of course not. I would not expect you to cancel seeing her. But it’s about you prioritising everything else except me, whilst telling me you don’t find the time for me. Don’t you understand? You told me ‘A’ but did ‘B’ (telling me ‘I don’t have time’ but spending the time with your mother). Same goes with writing your essay. I would have totally understood, but you told me you just had to send it off to your teacher, which – for me – means you’re done. I told you once before, when you have to write essays, stay at home. I’m not gonna be mad, just write it and be done with it, so you’re happy. Don’t feel obliged to come over, because in the end I will end up upset, staying beside you for nothing at all. I neither was angry about you going abroad, I just wanted to let you know a few examples, that have been building up to me feeling like being ‘the girlfriend at call’. Doesn’t mean I didn’t understand your situation.

It’s just once more very interesting how you just justify the things you can hit back, everything else is swept under the rug. Instead of just saying “yes, that’s right” or just saying sorry.

But like I said, whatever. I’ve told you I do understand your situation. I just want you to TRY and understand me, instead of punching me in the face again and again. Just saying “sorry, I didn’t want you to feel that way. It’s not like you feel.” But I have never heard anything alike, so I’m just approved in how I feel once more. I don’t have to say anything more to this, even though it hurts. There are different views of relationship, and this seems to be one of them.
And no, I am not mad, even though it sounds like that. I’m just done with trying to tell you in so many different ways, how I feel. I probably am too used to the empathy I get at work. So let’s just leave it be, I’m hoping you’ll learn something and I’m gonna go to bed. Tomorrow’s another day.

Him: Okay. Now I can’t even say sorry although I’ve understood, because you’re gonna say I just apologised because you told me to. I’m trying hard to change and hope you’ll be okay.

What I think about any of this? I do not know. I talked to my mom for a while yesterday and she said this was a situation you could totally tell he’s 2 years younger than me, and she’s right. I just hope he actually really understands, instead of just saying those things. I wish his communication would be that much better. I know we have a long way ahead, a lot to learn. And I hope we can do it. But I am not so sure of this anymore. I need a lot of approval from him. A lot of apologising in other ways. A lot of not taking me for granted in the next few weeks. And I am not sure if he can or will or want to do that.

Right now, things are okay. However I have been very glad he didn’t ask to see me this weekend anymore, if I’m being completely honest. I need some time away. So it’s probably a good thing he’s going away to America for 3 weeks in a couple of weeks. Some distance might work.

PS: I actually also have been thinking about probably going back to therapy. I did not punch that wall only once, but several times. I was scared to actually really do it, but I needed the physical pain to make the mental one go away. So I did it until I bled. I know this is not healthy, but it’s my way to deal with things. I wish I was normal.

Any thoughts to how he’s acted?! I need some neutral perspectives.

fight

We had our first big fight this weekend. Honestly, I don’t really know why it happened, but I knew it was coming for the last couple of weeks – as of how I was feeling about some things.

I did actually tell him last Friday about how I felt about his behaviour or rather lack thereof. I didn’t really get the answer I wanted to hear. He just said that he would let me know whenever he didn’t want to see me. But this is no reason to not ask to see me during the week, right? Anyway, I let it slip.. because really, what is the reason to keep arguing about it?

He was very loving when I came to his place though, so that was new (apart from that he won’t ever come to pick me up anymore, but waits in his room – but this as well was obvious to happen at some point). Then on Saturday he asked me what I wanted to do. In the morning he mentioned about going to a mountain, but as his father was away with the car I guessed this was off the cards. So I asked what he intended to do and that he obviously didn’t want to go to the mountains with my car, to which he said “why not?”. We were standing in the hallway when he asked again and I said that I had offered him to go to the mountains, but he was all weird about it saying “well then let’s go to the city” and off he went, without waiting for me as he usually does. He was sighing as well, which – let’s be honest here – is the biggest sign of being pissed, right? This really threw me off board and I wasn’t in the mood to talk no more. He asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”, but didn’t look at him again. He stopped me in the middle of the street, asking again. I said “nothing, let’s just go”. But he stood there and said I should tell him what my problem was. I said “you’re pissed, that’s all” – in a tiny voice. He said he didn’t understand (acoustically) and I wasn’t in the mood to say it again, so I just went on. He held me up again, asking what my fucking problem was – getting really pissed, which upset me even more and I was on the edge of tears already anyway. I didn’t talk and just hugged him, but he didn’t really bother at all.

He stood on the pathway, looking at me and waiting for an answer, I didn’t give him one. We stood there for probably 10 minutes until he lost his shit and was like “what the fuck”. I already way crying, so I just went off to my car and locked myself in. This was a huge déjà-vu to Stan, which I hated. I knew I wanted him to come after me, but I also knew how fucking stupid this was. I bawled my eyes out in the car, reviving all the shit I was going through with Stan. All the hurt got right back at me. At some point I noticed how a car was driving next to mine, and heard that it was his father talking to him. I didn’t bother to look up.

After a few minutes, when I opened the window for some fresh air, he stood next to my car, asking what the fuck my problem was. I wasn’t able to talk, and neither did I wanted to. I just said that I thought he was really pissed, and I didn’t want him to be. He was very very very cold towards me, which upset me even more (once more, just like Stan). I got out of the car, trying to talk to him… but as I said him being that cold just upset me even more. At some point I was just like “do you want me to grab my stuff and just go?!” to which he said it was my choice. Y’all know what I wanted to hear. It was not that.

He was so furious, so at some point I was just like “I’m gonna get my things” and walked back towards his house, as he had the keys I had to wait on him. He didn’t open the door and asked me about a billion times what my fucking problem was. I told him that my head was the fucking problem, I had told him so many times before that it’s hard for me to just not read into his mimics and whatever and that he really had given me the feeling of being bored or annoyed with me. He didn’t seem to care at all. He asked me what I was intending to do about it (my head), and inside of me I lost my shit. I seriously did. What the hell man?! I asked him what he expected me to do? He didn’t say anything. After a while I said “well it would be a start for you to hug me when I’m crying” (instead of standing a foot away from me, crossed arms and just so so cold) to which he said, that I didn’t really show any affection towards him. He didn’t do anything. He didn’t hug me. So after a while I walked towards him and hugged him, he didn’t hug me back so I was like “okay then”. My world shattered.

I don’t really know how we solved that problem. At some point he just said “next time just tell me what the problem is and not throw such a tantrum, okay?”. I totally do understand his point of view, I did behave like a 3yo kid. But him being so cold and distant was breaking my heart, and I knew that fighting with him would never be easy. It was actually worse than with Stan. At least Stan would “defrost” at some point and hold me in his arms. Alan was so distant and thinking about it still makes me tear up. I had to make all those first steps, which I hate. It was the worst experience ever. I didn’t know what to do, because deep inside me I knew I didn’t want to give it up. I knew it was all in my head. But I had hoped he would be a little more understanding. I know he has no patience whatsoever, but I didn’t expect it to be that bad.

I really don’t know what to think. We had a lovely weekend afterwards, and all was good again. And I know that he’s not thought about the situation again, but it has stayed with me for the whole time and it’s making me so scared of the future. I know I need to learn and trust him. I need to believe what he says and not read so much into his non-existant actions. But it’s hard. And I had thought once I told him about my issues, he would be more understanding. It doesn’t seem that way. At these times he seems so selfish, and I really don’t know if it’s my head telling me – because I’m such a sucker at relationships – or it really is that way. Because he can be so loving and forthcoming as well. But then again, he’s not that big on showing emotions at all. He does tell me he loves me, but that’s about all I get. Is this really love from his side? I’m not entirely sure anymore, if I’m being completely honest. And I guess that’s why my insecurities have bubbled up so much these last few days. It makes me scared, that he’ll just dump me at some point.

But still, I don’t want to just give up, like I always did with anyone else. The problem won’t go away, because it’s me. It’s my head, that’s messed up. But this has given my heart a huge scar all over again, and I’m not sure how long it’ll take to heal up.

quick update on the boys

Two things happened yesterday after I wrote up that post:

• Kenny did message me around midday, saying that he fell asleep the night before (which I actually don’t believe, because I did see that he was online at one point). We chatted back and forth, no asking of him if I would join the party… but then I didn’t really expect him to.
• I texted Yavin in the afternoon, I just couldn’t bare the thought that he would slip through my fingers, when I had that urge to talk to him.

So long story short (it’s actually not long at all): I texted him saying:

Are you still alive or do I have to take it personally?

He replied pretty quickly that he was back to the living. So I said that I had to take it personally then and he said that I didn’t. I told myself to not get into that “self-pity” stage again, in which I hope for people to realise that they’ve hurt me without actually telling them… so this time, I simply told him. Our conversation went something like:
Him: How can I make up for it again?
Me: Well you could text me first for example.
Him: Sorry, I was ill until Thursday and had a lot of catching up to do.
Me: Well, shit happens I guess.
Him: So we’re not gonna talk to each other anymore then?
Me: I told you once before, that I am not gonna force you to write with me.
Him: That’s your own fault then. Sometimes I gotta be forced to see my luck.
Me: That’s not me though, I like when people actually want to talk to me and not be annoyed whenever I text.
Him: I’m happy whenever you do text me!

Lots of blahblah.. so in the end I told him that he should understand what this looked like. Me telling him that I liked him and then no more texts whatsoever. That everybody would ask themselves what they did wrong. To which he said that he totally understood and he was sorry.. and he would text me and we still had to grab a drink.

He said good night with the words that he will text me. Nothing till now, but we’ll see. I’m just glad I got it off my chest. Why ignore people and let them figure things out themselves, that they probably don’t even notice? Just tell these people what you feel like. It’s usually not that bad, right? I’m glad I did write. If he now decides to not text me again, so be it. I did all I could. I told him how I felt, I didn’t throw a tatrum. I let him have some time off. All is well.

But I’m not gonna ignore my gut that tells me he could be a perfect match again. Sometimes you gotta step over your pride and do something you probably wouldn’t do in another situation.