angry

fuck them!

I still am so upset about schoolmate F… And I don’t understand why?! I mean, I’m not upset, but kind of disappointed.

Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy with the decision I made. I am much more happy without Momo and I don’t miss schoolmate F as a friend either. I deleted him and blocked him on my phone. I am that disappointed. I just don’t understand how two people I was so close with, could do – or rather say – such a thing? It’s not like I said “well Momo is not perfect, I’m done”. I fought for over 3 months! 3 months of misery and hurt. Schoolmate F even said it was good that I cut him out, when I did. So why is he acting like that now? I just don’t understand. Why is he now pitying Momo when I was the one who was miserable all that time?

I have done everything I could to save the relationship. Momo just watched. He watched me go. He didn’t listen when I told him how I felt. He didn’t act when I told him to do something. He just went on with his life as he knew it. It took me 3 months to understand that I have to go. It took me another 2 months to move on and allow myself to be happy. And now I seem to be the bad one? Now they try to make me feel guilty about not fighting? When two close people hurt me so much, over and over again. Now I am bad for taking care of myself?

No. I don’t feel guilty. And I don’t even feel bad for feeling the way I am. No, I indeed am feeling a bit happy that he’s so miserable now. I know that it might be wrong, but it’s a satisfaction to know that he finally knows what I was going through for 3 months. He should suffer!

There are so many things I would like to tell them both. So many things I would like to shout at them. But I won’t. Because they won’t listen. They won’t understand. They won’t. Just as much as they didn’t give a fuck the last 6 months. Now I am the one to play this part. And I should stop thinking about it and have any kind of feelings about the situation. Because it is just not worth it.

Fuck them.

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“best friend”

Some people are fucking stupid, seriously. I am so mad!

Schoolmate F – who used to be a very very close and good friend of mine – texted me this morning.

“now you’ve got him down”

I was reading it after work and was like “what the hell is he talking about?”. Of course I knew that he was talking about Momo. Who else would he bitch at me for?… But then I’d like to say that he’s been my close friend, not Momo’s. When we broke up, I wasn’t too sad to lose him as well though. This might sound weird, saying we were so close but he was one of these friends which pushed me into things I didn’t like, so there’s that.

Well, it was very rude how he texted me so I was asking what the hell he was talking about. He didn’t reply, other than saying that it was about Momo. At first I just sent a question mark back, but after being angry for 30 minutes straight I texted him again saying “you know what? I don’t even want to know”.

Why the hell does he think he has the right do say such a thing to me? After 4 months of me being depressed and really sad,.. considering how bad Momo has treated me, now I am the bad one? Now I am the bad one for taking care of myself and cutting him out of my life?

You know another fun fact? It seems that only now that Momo is back from his holidays does he think about me again. So yes, schoolmate F and Momo can both go fuck themselves. I am so over these people being such a negative influence on me. I was so happy without them in my life, now he thinks he can talk to me like that?! Well, nobody cared when I was feeling rubbish, why should I care now?

So. Angry.

no changes in the ex!

Today is just one of these days, one could cross out from the calendar.
I have been feeling very poorly, guess I’m coming down with the flu or something. So I have been in bed since like 5pm or something (it is currently 11pm). As if it wasn’t enough to have the worst headache and runny nose ever, my ex just made it even worse.

I have a public blog for my friends. Every once in a while I post something about my feelings, which are not quite as open as here, as my friends and my ex are reading it. Just yesterday I wrote a post and mentioned how much I hated people calling me after reading a post and asking how I was. I have 2 friends in particular, who always text me after just reading my post and asking if I’m doing okay. Do I seem like I’m okay when I write such a sad/depressing post publicly? How stupid is this question? And how stupid are you for stating the obvious: not even realising how I am without reading my posts?! It just makes me angry every time, so I pointed that out, so to get rid of these people.

Now what does my ex do? He texts me again today – I didn’t reply to his messages yesterday btw – saying that he’s read my post, that he’s worrying about me and how I’m doing. What. The. Actual. Fuck?! Did you not just say you read my post?

This is exactly what has been upsetting me all along in this relationship. I was always explaining myself, trying to talk to him and he would never listen or understand what I was saying. So. Annoying. I’m not gonna reply again or it is gonna lead into another huge argument. He can shove his worrying up his glory hole and get the fuck out of my life. Seriously, I am so angry at him.