I miss my ex.

I was going on a walk today, which usually makes me think a lot about my past and present. And I started missing Momo. But let me explain further:

I have been feeling very lonely as of late – you know that already. Not in the sense that I do not love myself or cannot entertain myself – I actually can – I just feel sort of left out… for lack of better words.
Ever since I finished my apprenticeship and changed my job, my circle of friends has once more changed completely. I have never been that girl to always have the same group of friends for a long time, it has changed over time about 5-6 times since puberty. A few friends have come along ever since, but not as a group – if you know what I mean. I do have close friends – such as Mr. Cucu – when I need them, they are there. But I don’t have those friends to hang out with every weekend, like a normal 25yo-girl does. Like.. a group of friends, a clique if you will so. I usually sit at home on weekends. And don’t get me wrong, I’m okay being home most of the time, I just sometimes miss the opportunity to just text someone and a group of friends can hang out by the sea or whatever. Or just go to a certain place, I know everyone hangs out at. Just a opportunity to not feel lonely, if that makes any sense.

I was passing so many guys my age that were going to the beach with their friends today, it made me realise how lonely I actually am… and how different, I guess. I do have friends, and I probably could text them and they would gladly hang out with me. The thing is… 90% of my friends are in relationships, and I don’t like to be the 3rd wheel. The other 10% are just genuinely not interested in the same things as me, so I don’t really want to hang out with them all the time – or actually they mostly have their own group of friends and I feel awkward to ask.

I just miss having those friends to see on a regular basis. And not just once a month, like I do with Mr. Cucu (which is mainly because he lives a 2-hour drive away). Because I once was in a circle of friends who did this. And I can’t really get back into one just like that.. and that’s why I mainly miss Momo. When it wasn’t just the two of us, we would usually hang out with his friends or go out and I really liked that we could just go and have a BBQ with them every weekend. The same people, every week. I didn’t feel left out, or different.

I miss having someone to be with me every day. Someone to text. Someone to bother. Someone I can text when something silly or funny happened. Because right now I usually text no-one or just a different person considering the situation each time.
And I feel like I can’t just wait for a boyfriend to show up and bring me into a new group of friends. But then, what can I do? I’m not really outgoing and as I said most of my friends are in relationships and have couple-dates.

But whatever. The time will come. Somewhen.


being single can suck.

I thought I was doing so much better. I’m not sure if I have fooled myself or am on a roller coaster again. I felt so much better, now that school is done. But yesterday I had an all-time low. Again. I even texted Momo and told him that I had given up on hope to ever find a matching man – or a relationship at all. That’s pretty damn sad, isn’t it? Texting your ex, because you feel so lonely? What the fuck…

Don’t be worried though, I have not gotten down to meeting up with Kenny. I am still chatting with him, he is still trying to flirt and every now and then I actually let him. But it’s different. Because my emotions are off. I don’t bother to text him after Friday afternoons and it’s actually okay to have some time. But he’s the only one that makes me not feel so lonely right now, because I just know he misses me. He wouldn’t bother to text me so much and let me know how much he likes me, if he didn’t care at all. Whether that’s just to get into my pants or not, I do not care right now. But I like the idea of at least someone caring about me enough to talk to me almost daily.

But. I feel lonely. Extremely lonely. And I’m not sure what to do about it. I don’t want to just date someone for the sake of having someone in my life. But it also is a spiral down to depression, if I keep being by myself, sleeping and just not do anything. I can’t be bothered right now. And being surrounded by friends, who get married, pregnant, become father or whatever, is just making me feel so left-out. I feel like the odd one out, because I can’t seem to find someone who is willing to put up with me. And it fuckin sucks to be completely honest.

happy single! Why?

I am so freakin sick of people thinking they know me better than myself.

“Stop lying to yourself, you do want a boyfriend!”

Umm.. no, I – for God’s sake – don’t! Why do people assume that in today’s world we do need that other half? Why can we not be alone and be happy nonetheless? I am so sick of explaining myself over and over and over again. It is okay to be alone these days, it’s okay to be able to work things out all by yourself. Yes, people nowadays are scared of ending up alone. They rather take the next best thing they can lay their hands on, than be alone. I get it, I totally get it. I am not saying I want to end up alone or would be okay with being alone all my life. I do want family. And someone to be close with. But right now,.. I just don’t. I don’t have the time or patience to work on a relationship or even building up a decent fwb or anything alike. I don’t want any emotional work going on right now, so I just tell the guys I meet that I am not interested in anything but chatting every once in a while. Is that wrong? No, it’s not.

This conversation just happened, though:
Guy: What are you looking for on badoo if you don’t want a boyfriend/date/fwb?
Me: Nothing at all 🙂
Guy: Meeting new people?
Me: Maybe.. it’s more a kill-the-time-thing for me
Guy: There’s nothing wrong with getting to know each other. You can’t lose anything, right?
Me: Never said I did. I just don’t want to date anyone.
Guy: Right now you don’t want to 😀 maybe you will meet someone you really want to get to know in real life, so you will date him at last. You never know what awaits.
Me: Sure thing, just wasn’t the case yet though.
Guy: Well, what hasn’t happened yet, can happen soon enough, right?
Me: Yeeeees, I never said I would decline a date, holy… but I do not look for a boyfriend and I am not interested in dating anyone right now
Guy: Why not interested?
Me: Just because…
Guy: there’s no “just because”…

For God’s sake, is it so hard to just accept that a girl does not want to date? What is so wrong with being totally comfortable without dating, making out, having a boyfriend or whatever? Why can I not be happily alone? What the actual fuck?
I am so upset that people cannot simply accept my way of thinking. I don’t hurt anyone, I am upfront – so where’s the big deal with that? I just don’t understand.

who loves me?

Maybe… I just want to be loved. Maybe I’m just searching for a man who loves me. I actually know that I can’t handle being unloved right now. What Stan did to me, hurts too much. I feel worthless, thinking about how he handled me. Maybe he has hurt me way more than I realised. I never really believed him when he said such things to me.. but then did I really not take them by heart? I do not know. I need to remind myself of the nice things he said to me, but I currently can’t. Not reading or hearing a word from him, just makes me feel like he never meant the things he said to me. That he probably never has really loved me as much as he claimed.

I actually know that things with Momo will not work out again. There was a reason we broke up in the first place, and I know for sure these things have not changed in the past year. I am just searching for some reassurance that someone actually cares for me. After he said that he probably is not 100% over me, he also made me realise that he has moved on and does not need me in his life as a girlfriend. He might not be entirely over me, but he is for the bigger part. He is willing to be my friend, but then that’s about it. And I need to accept this. I need to learn to be by myself again. I need to love myself again and realise what I am worth. I need to learn what Stan has taken away from me. I need to move on, and not search for the next boy right away. I haven’t been by myself since March this year, this is quite a long time for me. I need to be by myself again and still be happy. Without being cuddled. Without the daily reassurance. Without the jealousy. And so on.
I would have never thought I’d end up as one of those girls that can’t be alone. I have always been a loner, i always felt better being by myself rather than having a boyfriend. I was never one to be in a relationship for too long. Yet here I am, having real trouble being by myself and not having someone to depend on. Why?

Pete. I realised that he really liked me. He liked my personality, but I also knew that it would be wrong to not be honest. We have not talked since. So that kind of sucks, but I also know it’s for the best.
I will also meet a friend on Saturday. Well, maybe we’ll meet, there has no time been set yet. I haven’t seen him in years and we did make out once when we got drunk. He asked me to date again. He is not being serious about it, so I think it’s okay to go on a date for fun. I just need to realise that my worth is not measured by dates or any boy for that matter. I need to learn to treasure my worth again. Without the reassurance of anyone else.