On 12th of August paraplegic messaged me on Tinder. We messaged back and forth for only a day when I gave him my phone number. We texted on there, but it as very sporadic. The question of a date came up pretty quickly on his side, although I had cut him down. On August 24th this date happened however, and we had a blast. We had a few good laughs and he kissed me… now the story continues (hopefully)…

going away, what now?!

Things have been slow with P the last few days. But then I have been super busy and so has he – or that’s my guess at least. I told him about my interview at the new place, which means I’d move there next year. He just said congrats when I got the job, not sure how he feels about it – knowing I will move even further away. But we’ll talk about that when we get there.

I’m still pondering about what I should have said about his joke about his father. I really need to talk to him about this at some point, but right now I am too afraid to ruin anything of what he have right now. I don’t want him to be gone, now that I have him back in my life.

We’re talking almost daily. There’s sometimes one day we don’t talk, which is totally fine for me. I have kept myself busy and therefore don’t have too much time to think about anything. Which will be hard on holidays, but whatever.

We have set another date for after my holidays though, which kind of surprised me. But then it was me moving forward – again. I asked him if he would join me to a spa sometime and he asked me when I wanted to go. I knew he was off work the week I’m back from holidays (and will have to work night shifts).. so we set the date for April 3rd. I’m excited and it gives me lots of relief about going abroad. I was so scared to lose him again, but now that I know we’ll see each other shortly after me being back, gives me some peace. So what happened in October won’t repeat itself.

I guess I won’t see him before I leave though, which is a bummer… but fine as well. I tried to get the information out when he was free this weekend (although I have packed my weekend, so I wouldn’t have too much time to think about him), but he never replied to my questions. So that’s fine. I’ll actually try to make the date in April a sleepover, but not sure how to ask. I know he’ll be in, but it’s still weird to ask. I don’t want to be the one to push forward, you know.

So things are looking bright and I am very worried that this bubble of mine will burst soon, since everything is going well in my life right now. Trying to find the balance of being happy but also cautious as not to deep dive into depression, if anything happens.



I’d really wanted to see P last night, but didn’t want to ask again. I knew he was free, since when we talked about our second date, he said he could do Friday OR Saturday night. But then again, I didn’t want to be needy… but I did miss him quite much. But then that’s nothing new, right?

I knew he was busy until about 6pm with his baking course he was doing and sure enough, shortly after he had texted me his final product (which was so cute!). We talked a bit and then out of the blue he asked “do you miss me already?”
This really caught me off guard, because I was just musing about how much I was missing him and how to deal with this. I hate this feeling, and I know it’s the worst for the first two days and then I get used to not seeing him. But knowing I won’t get to see him for 3 weeks, was making it even harder.
Me: Why are you asking?
Him: I can feel it… 🙂
I really don’t know what made him say this. I did not act like I missed him at all. And I did think about maybe he was turning his feelings towards me (like him missing me, so searching for reassurance?!)… Long story short, I then said “if I’d interpret, I’d say just ask if I’m coming over… but since we don’t interpret 😉 “, hoping he would ask me over (it was 10pm by then, but I didn’t care). But rather than taking the opportunity he said: “well, you’d rather go home than stay here it seems, so…”. I tried to explain, saying if I wouldn’t want to spend time with him, I wouldn’t have asked to see him again and that it was inconvenient the other day, because of his schedule and car situation. He simply stated “yeees, another time…” and the conversation was done.

I guess he’s referring to our first date a week ago, when I drove home in the middle of the night instead of staying with him. I know it was the right decision at the time, because it simply didn’t feel right and my emotions hadn’t been back. But I feel bad now, and I know I need to tell him why I did so. But I also don’t want to do it over the phone… so I really need to pick that subject up the next time we see each other. I know he’s an overthinker and that’s why he brings it up all the time (he also did so on our date). He probably thinks I hate him, and that’s the main reason I had asked him for a second date so soon (2 days after we saw each other), which I otherwise wouldn’t have done… I know I also could ask him again to see him today,  but I won’t. I don’t want to seem needy and it doesn’t make it any easier for me to miss him over the holidays… so.

We’re back to complicated – not really though. But you know. Dating.

our second (5th) date

As I’ve mentioned in my last post, we had set a date for yesterday after work. He actually texted me in the morning, asking when and where to meet and I was going crazy, because I had sent him the exact time and place the day before… he was just not listening to me (I only found out later, that he was just wanting to check back if we were still on – and this was his way. Yes I smacked him for that, because he knows how much I hated repeating things).

I was really glad that things at work were calm in the morning, so I figured I could leave on time – unlike most of the other days this week. Well, I was happy to soon, because it all started at 2pm. By 4pm we were full on running around – full on chaos in the ER – and I thought about texting him to come in later, but I didn’t know if maybe it would calm down again until then.
Well, it didn’t. At 5.15pm (when we actually had set the time and I still was in my work clothes, helping) I asked whether I could help anyone or go, since I had an appointment. They made me go shortly after because of it, otherwise I probably would have worked till 8pm or so. I felt really bad, but also felt bad for letting P wait. So I quickly changed into my clothes and walked to my car to put everything in my car. He came over (I was 20 minutes late by then, so I guess we’re even), since I didn’t see his car straight away and we talked for a minute. Me trying to calm down and let go of work. Usually I have a 30minute drive home, where I can reflect on the work day and calm down. I didn’t have that time now and I felt it – and he did, too. We stayed in his car for probably an hour, just talking, holding hands, and he kissed me here and there. This was funny to me, because it was still bright outside and he knew most of the people on that ground knew me. I told him later on, that if anyone had seen us, the whole house probably would know by Monday. He didn’t seem to care too much though (well I have to answer the questions, I guess).

When we finally decided what to do, I quickly grabbed some warm clothes from my car (I swear I could live in this car right now) and we went to the seaside, near my work place. There we walked for about an hour or so, just talking, being goofy and what not. He then asked what I wanted to do, and although I had set a plan in my head beforehand, I obviously forgot about all of this (I only remembered when I was back home again). So we went back to his car to search for a nice restaurant to have dinner in.

He always made cheeky comments about “what to do now? Can we just make out?”, smirking. I told him I was too expensive to pay for a make out session though, haha.
So we went out for dinner and stayed until 10.30pm. Once more just talking, having a laugh but also just sitting there in silence, which was perfectly fine. He even mentioned his father at one point – after he asked how things with my father are going and I said I don’t talk to him. So he asked whether he still hadn’t text me and I just shook my head. He then said “well, I don’t hear from my dad either”. This left me speechless and I didn’t know what to say. It also made me sad, remembering the last 6 months. So we just sit there in silence for some time – probably both dwelling in our own memories. I wish I could have said something, but I didn’t.

There was one waiter always looking at me at that restaurant and he noticed. So I said that was my homie. When we walked back to the car, I asked whether he wanted to meet up with my other homies and he said yes (we were joking) and I said he could join me to the prom this coming Friday. He didn’t reply, I’m sure he’s busy and wouldn’t come anyway, because literally all my friends and my mom would be there. But it would also be so funny, because I have told none of my friends about being back to dating him. They’d be surprised haha… well he then drove me back up to my work place where my car still was.

I got kind of sad, knowing I couldn’t spend the night with him, because:
My feelings were back. Everything felt so natural once more. Him kissing me, holding hands, caressing, smiling at each other. It was back to how things were in September. I guess I didn’t have too much time to overthink things, because I was so busy at work and went straight into the date, you know?
At one point I almost accidentally said “I love you”. I didn’t, but my mind was playing games with me. I do not love him yet,… but I am falling for him again – yes. But it is not love, and I know he is not ready to hear it yet. We both know there are feelings towards each other… and it’s actually the first time I don’t need to hear them for reassurance, I just know (just like in September). The way he looks at me, the way he treats me. He is such a caring and loving person, I have not met a man like this before and I feel so happy to being able to date him. When we first got into his car, he gave me a present – again. A heartshaped chocolate. And it was so cute. He’s always so thoughtful of little gifts, this is something I have never experienced before. And gestures like this speak louder than words, right? For me at least.
Also whilst at the restaurant we talked about our ‘past’. He had said something about remembering where we went on our first date and I just laughed and said, yeah I even know the date we started talking on Tinder. He tried to find out, but didn’t. When I wanted to pay for dinner (because he did the last time already), he said I had bought him that plush toy already so he’s gonna pay. We actually fought over the bill and the waiter came over and asked whether we were done fighting now, haha. And I then said to P, that I had simply sent him that plush toy so he wouldn’t be able to forget about me. To which he said, he wouldn’t have either way. I’m not sure of this, but we left it at that.

Anyway, so we sat in the car in front of my work place till 12.30am. We both knew he needed to go, since he had to be somewhere else by 10am that day and had an hour drive home. He did say I could simply come home with him, but we both knew it would have gotten complicated with my car staying there and stuff. But I would have loved to spend the night with him yesterday. Everything felt so right and I really just loved spending time with him – like I said… just where we left off in September. I was able to let go, and him caressing me almost made me fall asleep. Which is not easy with me, I need to feel very secure and calm to make this happen – which happens rarely.
He also said that he had a really nice evening. And when I simply said “thanks” to him at one point he asked what for. I said “I don’t know… for being here, for dinner, for coming!?” and he started laughing saying “but I didn’t come though… maybe next time”. We both burst into laughter, because he kept making these comments all throughout the evening. I just love how caring he is, but still so cheeky as well. It’s a perfect mixture for me.

So yes, my emotions are back. Full on. When he held my face at some point and kissed me, the butterflies came back alive. And I was so happy at that moment, because I realised I had let go. Of all the overthinking and bad thoughts. I was back to where I wanted to be and what felt natural and… well, right. And I am just eager to find out how well we match and simply spend time with him. It’ll take a while to make things official I’m sure of that, but I’m also sure we match pretty well… there’s just so much unspoken love, which I am not used to. Since I always needed reassurance in my last relationships.. this is so different. Good different.

I’m happy.

update about P

As I’ve mentioned in my last post, my feelings have been all over the place that day. Now that I look back on it, it is kind of funny… but I need to not forget about how I felt that very day anyway.

Well, P had texted me shortly after I published that last post. He let me know that he had tried to stay awake till I was home to text me, but fell asleep. Which I do believe. He was so tired and it was just cute to let me know he had thought that far. It does show some kind of affection, right?!
We ended up having a short conversation – with him not replying after a while. Nothing new, right? I then told him, we could meet up again on August 25th, because that’d be in 6 months… keeping our cycle. He asked whether I was crazy and I just said “I like you as well”. Same old, his response: “I know”. I then didn’t reply, because I was busy and he texted me again in the evening about something I had told him on our date. This surprised me. Him texting me twice in a day, you know? I think we’ve talked more in the last 3 days, than in 4 months prior. So I see that he is trying. He has gotten that hint about me not liking the lack of contact via text ad he really is trying. He’s texted me every day since our date, so that’s a definite improvement, like 300%.

He made me feel quite good, so I figured I could ask him to meet up again before I leave on holidays. I just didn’t want this to be a month later again, and I did want to see him again either way.
Because here’s the thing: After everything I’ve told you guys about the lack of emotions, I actually could not get him out of my mind that whole weekend. I kept thinking of him, and the butterflies came back when I thought about the situations he’d kissed me. So I was back to how I felt before. Well, maybe not entirely, but the emotions are back partly, which is a good thing.

Long story short: I’ll see him again this coming Friday and then we’ll be off for 3 weeks I guess (he’s busy the weekend after and then I leave for 2 weeks). He’s gonna pick me up from work, so that should be interesting.

I’m very eager to find out where this is heading. I am not yet getting hopeful about the outcome, but I like the attention – not gonna lie.

a date with P?

Okay this is going to be all over the place, just like my head. Excuse the loooong ramble.

As I mentioned in my last post, when I finally wanted to end things with P for good… he asked for another date. I honestly did not expect this to ever happen. It’s not like it was the first time we had talked about it, so when we had no contact till Thursday I didn’t think he would go through with it. Thursday night I texted him asking about the time and place, and got really mad at him for not being able to simply tell me a place (we texted back and forth for probably an hour until we had semi-set a place). I got even more mad, when he told me he had an appointment that evening. Why suggest that date then?! At some point I simply told him to let me know the next day when I should be where and went to sleep. When I didn’t hear from him till I finished my shift on Friday afternoon, I did not expect the date to happen at all and was actually looking forward to a relaxed evening in bed. I wasn’t particularly sad.

Well. Long story short, he did text me and we approved the date and place. I still did not believe in it happening, even when I was driving to the place… only when he texted me he was gonna be late, I realised that I was actually about to see him. I wasn’t even nervous at all, it was all so weird. A friend had been asking how I felt about it and I was surprised how casually I took this. For me it was simply a dinner with a friend. Of course in the back of my mind were all the dates we’ve had before. But it had been 6 months, and after what happened with Kenny… well P was just a friend.

For me there were two options of what may happen:

  • Either we were having dinner, talking and then leave again. Just being friendly, a catch-up and would go our ways. Or:
  • We would kiss and everything would be back to how things were before his dad passed away last September.

There was no other option for me at that point. Little did I know what was about to happen….

So he turned up 20 minutes late, making me feel really awkward sitting in a restaurant by myself. There were no butterflies when he walked in. I was just happy to see him, but nothing more than with a friend. Which was fine by me. He kissed my cheek to say hello and we started talking. It was an easy conversation, we had a lot to catch up on. I talked a lot. Like… a lot. We were there for probably 2 hours when he asked if I wanted to go out. He knows this is not a question to ask, especially when I had an early shift. I was already so sleepy and he was making fun of me for it. Well, in the end we were talking about a TV show I was missing out on because of our date and he simply said, we could go back to his place to watch it. I figured, why not?

So we did that 20 minutes drive to his home. It was weird driving there, remembering how I felt the last time I drove there (which was our weekend we spent together and I was so in love and happy) – it felt like an eternity. Well it is. 6 months.
We weren’t even really in his flat, when he grabbed me and hugged me. This kind of surprised me, I did not expect him to move on that quickly. I knew from the way he had started looking at me at the restaurant, that he would kiss me at some point. He had that look again. The one that made me so sure of the last time, that he was indeed in love. And although it was very flattering, it also was kind of uncomfortable.
Anyway. So he grabbed my hips and looked at me and I knew he was about to kiss me. But I just… I couldn’t. I then simply hugged him, so I didn’t have to look at him. I’m sure it hurt him and it wasn’t my plan to do so, but I was just overwhelmed with that situation right then.

We went to the couch and cuddled and watched my TV show. He was hugging me close, trying to kiss me every now and then, but I simply never looked at him straight, so there was no option. Well at some point he went to grab the remote control and was over me, and kissed me. It was okay. It was the way it was before…

My emotions lacked. There were no butterflies this time around. My mind wandered. To why that was, to Kenny, to everything apart from what it should have been: simple pleasure.

It was all back to how we left it off in September, so what is wrong with me? That’s what I had wished for for the last 6 months, and now that I was back to it, it felt so… off?
I still can’t quite put my finger on it. I knew when I was thinking of Kenny, that this was not the right thing to do. P wanted me to stay the night. He actually just figured I would, but even when I was driving there, I knew I would not. I had an excuse (babysitting me nephew this morning) and that was it. He did try to get into my pants, but I told him to stop. He did ask why, but I simply didn’t want to for several reasons (which obviously I didn’t tell him):
One being that he had regretted the last time we did it. I was not about to get hurt again, simply because his dick owned his brain again. I wanted it to be right. For him as well.
Second, because I had been to the gyn, because Kenny had left me some kind of present down there. I didn’t want to sleep with him, before I got the results back about me being clear (which I got in the mail, but I didn’t see that last night, did I?).
Third: it simply didn’t feel right. For me it was simply a hook up, my feelings weren’t there and I was not about to let what happened with Kenny… I didn’t want to relive this. I wasn’t sure whether P was simply horny because he hadn’t had sex since September (he doesn’t know about Kenny by the way), or if he actually had missed ME. It didn’t feel that way, but then I’m really bad at reading him. And I wasn’t ready to be just a hook up. Again.

Well, long story short, he tried to talk me into staying, but I finally left at 1am. He kissed me goodbye and said to hopefully see me again. I jokingly said in 6 months and he said “hopefully sooner though”.

Now my lack of emotions leave me speechless. I don’t know if I just finally have gotten to terms of being single. Maybe I just turned my emotions or rather vulnerability off after what happened with Kenny. Maybe I’m still too hurt by what has happened with Kenny. Maybe it’s simply too late? I’ve given P so many chances to meet up or make things up, and he never wanted to. Only when I wanted to cut the straw, he finally agreed to meet up. You know what I mean? This all feels so forced. I know he has feelings from the way he looked at me… but I’m really not sure whether I can date him right now. I’m not at the right place, and this is crazy considering I waited for 6 months for this to happen. And now that it has, it’s off. Maybe we really have missed the turning point.
I just… when I was laying on his couch, I all of a sudden thought about how I wouldn’t feel good to live there. Whilst last autumn I would have moved there in an instant. But then I’m head over heels when I’m in love. Maybe this is good. Maybe this will buy us some time, because I’m so confused. I don’t know.

It feels very very wrong. Mostly I’m scared to hurt him. That after all that time I told him I’d wait and whatever, if we start dating and my feelings don’t come back… I don’t want to hurt him. He’s a good guy, but too much has happened. Maybe I just need some time. Maybe I need some reassurance. Most of all I need him to text me, because I haven’t heard from him since I left last night and I would at least expect a “it was nice to see you” or “have you arrived home safely?” It’s the kind of thing I would do. But then I know it’s not his thing. I told him I was bothered by our lack of communication via text, but he just shrugged it off. It’s just him. But I also know I can’t be with someone, that doesn’t text. I mean it’s okay not to live with your mobile phone attached to your hand. But a text every other day isn’t too much to ask for, right?

I don’t know. It all just feels kind of messed up. And I don’t even know what to feel anymore, which is not what I need right now. I had hoped it would sort things out and not make them even worse.
I was doing so much better about the Kenny-thing. I didn’t think of him all the time and I don’t get that stomach pang anymore when I thought of him, so I figured I was over him. But when I thought about him when P kissed me, I knew I was nowhere as close to getting over him as I had thought. And that just sucks.

My life is just a mess. Sometimes I really think it would be worth a movie *lol*

new guys in the mix

So. Things have been progressing. In a very unexpected way, but whatever. I’ll take it.

Haven’t heard from Kenny since I asked for a why. It’s fine, I’m not too upset. When we were talking, I didn’t get that stomach pain I usually get when someone is about to dump me, so I knew I had somehow already gotten over the fact of not getting together with him. However, someone commented on another post saying she had the feeling, he thinks he’s not deserving of me. Like, he thinks he’s not good enough for me and therefore will hurt me in the long run. “I personally think he actually has strong feelings for you and this is his way of protecting you“. This pretty much sums up what I had wanted to say, but was not able to articulate. But I can’t change it. If he can’t get over his sorry self, then that’s his loss. If we’re meant to be, we’ll end up together somewhen. But it needs to be from both sides and for the time being, I’m moving on.

Then to the unexpected turn: Since I was pretty pissed about every men in the world yesterday, I texted P. I told him “so we’re done now, right? Just so I know!”. I was pretty sure he would not text back, because I was pissing him off..  “I thought we’re going out for dinner some time?” was his reply. And my jaw fell to the floor. Or something like that.
Me:  Well, since we haven’t done so in over 2 months I thought the interest is moderate.
Him: You don’t have to think, you need to know! (yet another of one of his stupid ass comments)
Me: Knowing that there is no interest? Well I guess now I  know 😉
Him: Why?
Me: You said I don’t have to think, just to know.. so since I’m not allowed to think, I just know it
Him: No, but when we go out for dinner or to the movies, both of it is wrong…
Me: Knowing and thinking or what? So what do I need to do then? So let’s set a date and not just talk about it and then stop writing…
Didn’t get a reply for half a day and half-expected this to be it. Then I got this: “you gotta feel it 🙂 when and where do you wanna meet up?” This means he wants me to feel his interest, right? Or am I already reading too much into it? Anyway.

So… we’ve set a date for Friday night in a week. I still do not believe in actually seeing him that day, but I am very eager to find out how this’ll turn out. Talked to a friend about it and she asked if I will be back to how we were in September. But I honestly can’t tell. It’s been 6 months. Lots has happened in the mean time, and we’ve grown apart. But maybe we’re back at where we left? Maybe the spark will return when we stand in front of each other? Maybe there’s nothing left of the feelings I had towards him. I have absolutely no idea… I’ll just be open and see what happens, I guess.

Then to yet another guy… yep that’s me. Chaos.
I told you that I’m still on Tinder. I messaged every match the other day and started messaging back and forth with Marty. I wasn’t too keen on him, but realised he really liked me. So we exchanged numbers and started really talking. Now I actually like him as well…
The thing is, for me he’s not a Tinder guy. We’ve bumped into each other in school before, so I know what he looks like and we’ve seen each other quite a few times (well every morning for a few months, actually). We never talked in real life, so it’s funny to see this happening. He was in a relationship back then, which might explain all of this. But we’re getting along quite good and I can talk to him openly.

I am eager to meet him as well, but as of today I’m not sure what I should do. Wait till I’ve seen P so I don’t get Marty’s hopes up and don’t mix up my own feelings? Marty said he wasn’t ready for a new relationship, because he’s only recently broken up with the girlfriend. But he doesn’t talk like he’s not interested in a relationship either, you know? The flirting is decent, but it’s there. Can we meet up as just friends? I don’t know. I feel like he’s the kind of guy that falls for someone like me. I can’t really explain, it’s just a feeling.
So for now I won’t ask for a date, but I’m pretty sure he will any time soon. I guess I’ll just have to see what happens. I just don’t want to end up hurting one of them, or dating both. That’s not my kind of thing to do (even though you might think so after everything that went on with Kenny). We’ll see.


Sometimes I hate these feelings. I was driving home from a night out with Mr. Cucu just now and listening to an old CD of mine. A song came on called “hello” (in German). It’s about how long that person hasn’t seen the other for so long and how weird it is to see them.. saying their goodbyes but him then asking her not to leave the room, but knowing she will go either way even though he doesn’t want that.
Could it be any more accurate to my situation with Kenny? I guess not. At first it was P’s song for me, because I didn’t want him to leave my life (metaphorically)… now… well it’s literally Kenny and I. Oh and by the way, when I was walking through the city today, a truck drove by with “Kenny” saying on it. This is just a nickname I gave him on here, so that was so weird. Everything is so weird. I might go crazy here.

I started remembering things whilst listening to that song:
I sometimes get a feeling when I’m saying my final goodbye to someone. It started back when I was leaving my hostfamily in 2009. I said goodbye to my hostfather, and I just knew it would be the last time ever. One could say, he’s at the other end of the world, so it’s pretty obvious that I won’t get to see him again. But I was dead set on going back to OZ once I finish my apprenticeship. That would have been in 2013 and I’m still here, not having visited him once ever since.
Then the thing with P happened. When I left his house back on September 10th, I just knew it would be the last time. Although there was no evidence as why I should think so, I knew. It’s why I wanted to go back there so badly that very same evening. Everything looked fine. We were dating, we were taking things somewhat slowly. There was no evidence of us falling out. But… it was the last time I’ve seen him, and right now it doesn’t seem like I will see him again.
And I had that feeling with Kenny last Friday as well. When he kissed me on my cheek, I knew it would be the last thing I’d get from him. No looking back. And probably not seeing him ever again. I mean this is my decision, obviously. But is it? We’ve seen each other almost every year at carnival. But I have a feeling this was the last time we met.

I hate this feeling. I really hate it, for it has been right all the time. I get that feeling with patients as well. When I’d tell a colleague, that I have a feeling he/she will die soon. And they do. Even if there is no evidence or symptoms of that patient being at any huge health risk. It happened twice this year already.

I don’t want it. It hurts to know. And I don’t even want to think about what it would be like to not have Kenny in my life anymore. But I guess I need to learn and accept the truth. It doesn’t look very good right now. Haven’t heard from him since he told me to fuck off because I was stressing him out.

I thought being busy all the time would help. I met 2 friends today, when I usually don’t see many friends in 2 weeks. And it was good. Really good to catch up and get my mind off things – at least a little. But now that I’m back home, the loneliness is even harder to bear.

Time. Much time. And little patience.