Okay this is going to be all over the place, just like my head. Excuse the loooong ramble.
As I mentioned in my last post, when I finally wanted to end things with P for good… he asked for another date. I honestly did not expect this to ever happen. It’s not like it was the first time we had talked about it, so when we had no contact till Thursday I didn’t think he would go through with it. Thursday night I texted him asking about the time and place, and got really mad at him for not being able to simply tell me a place (we texted back and forth for probably an hour until we had semi-set a place). I got even more mad, when he told me he had an appointment that evening. Why suggest that date then?! At some point I simply told him to let me know the next day when I should be where and went to sleep. When I didn’t hear from him till I finished my shift on Friday afternoon, I did not expect the date to happen at all and was actually looking forward to a relaxed evening in bed. I wasn’t particularly sad.
Well. Long story short, he did text me and we approved the date and place. I still did not believe in it happening, even when I was driving to the place… only when he texted me he was gonna be late, I realised that I was actually about to see him. I wasn’t even nervous at all, it was all so weird. A friend had been asking how I felt about it and I was surprised how casually I took this. For me it was simply a dinner with a friend. Of course in the back of my mind were all the dates we’ve had before. But it had been 6 months, and after what happened with Kenny… well P was just a friend.
For me there were two options of what may happen:
- Either we were having dinner, talking and then leave again. Just being friendly, a catch-up and would go our ways. Or:
- We would kiss and everything would be back to how things were before his dad passed away last September.
There was no other option for me at that point. Little did I know what was about to happen….
So he turned up 20 minutes late, making me feel really awkward sitting in a restaurant by myself. There were no butterflies when he walked in. I was just happy to see him, but nothing more than with a friend. Which was fine by me. He kissed my cheek to say hello and we started talking. It was an easy conversation, we had a lot to catch up on. I talked a lot. Like… a lot. We were there for probably 2 hours when he asked if I wanted to go out. He knows this is not a question to ask, especially when I had an early shift. I was already so sleepy and he was making fun of me for it. Well, in the end we were talking about a TV show I was missing out on because of our date and he simply said, we could go back to his place to watch it. I figured, why not?
So we did that 20 minutes drive to his home. It was weird driving there, remembering how I felt the last time I drove there (which was our weekend we spent together and I was so in love and happy) – it felt like an eternity. Well it is. 6 months.
We weren’t even really in his flat, when he grabbed me and hugged me. This kind of surprised me, I did not expect him to move on that quickly. I knew from the way he had started looking at me at the restaurant, that he would kiss me at some point. He had that look again. The one that made me so sure of the last time, that he was indeed in love. And although it was very flattering, it also was kind of uncomfortable.
Anyway. So he grabbed my hips and looked at me and I knew he was about to kiss me. But I just… I couldn’t. I then simply hugged him, so I didn’t have to look at him. I’m sure it hurt him and it wasn’t my plan to do so, but I was just overwhelmed with that situation right then.
We went to the couch and cuddled and watched my TV show. He was hugging me close, trying to kiss me every now and then, but I simply never looked at him straight, so there was no option. Well at some point he went to grab the remote control and was over me, and kissed me. It was okay. It was the way it was before…
My emotions lacked. There were no butterflies this time around. My mind wandered. To why that was, to Kenny, to everything apart from what it should have been: simple pleasure.
It was all back to how we left it off in September, so what is wrong with me? That’s what I had wished for for the last 6 months, and now that I was back to it, it felt so… off?
I still can’t quite put my finger on it. I knew when I was thinking of Kenny, that this was not the right thing to do. P wanted me to stay the night. He actually just figured I would, but even when I was driving there, I knew I would not. I had an excuse (babysitting me nephew this morning) and that was it. He did try to get into my pants, but I told him to stop. He did ask why, but I simply didn’t want to for several reasons (which obviously I didn’t tell him):
One being that he had regretted the last time we did it. I was not about to get hurt again, simply because his dick owned his brain again. I wanted it to be right. For him as well.
Second, because I had been to the gyn, because Kenny had left me some kind of present down there. I didn’t want to sleep with him, before I got the results back about me being clear (which I got in the mail, but I didn’t see that last night, did I?).
Third: it simply didn’t feel right. For me it was simply a hook up, my feelings weren’t there and I was not about to let what happened with Kenny… I didn’t want to relive this. I wasn’t sure whether P was simply horny because he hadn’t had sex since September (he doesn’t know about Kenny by the way), or if he actually had missed ME. It didn’t feel that way, but then I’m really bad at reading him. And I wasn’t ready to be just a hook up. Again.
Well, long story short, he tried to talk me into staying, but I finally left at 1am. He kissed me goodbye and said to hopefully see me again. I jokingly said in 6 months and he said “hopefully sooner though”.
Now my lack of emotions leave me speechless. I don’t know if I just finally have gotten to terms of being single. Maybe I just turned my emotions or rather vulnerability off after what happened with Kenny. Maybe I’m still too hurt by what has happened with Kenny. Maybe it’s simply too late? I’ve given P so many chances to meet up or make things up, and he never wanted to. Only when I wanted to cut the straw, he finally agreed to meet up. You know what I mean? This all feels so forced. I know he has feelings from the way he looked at me… but I’m really not sure whether I can date him right now. I’m not at the right place, and this is crazy considering I waited for 6 months for this to happen. And now that it has, it’s off. Maybe we really have missed the turning point.
I just… when I was laying on his couch, I all of a sudden thought about how I wouldn’t feel good to live there. Whilst last autumn I would have moved there in an instant. But then I’m head over heels when I’m in love. Maybe this is good. Maybe this will buy us some time, because I’m so confused. I don’t know.
It feels very very wrong. Mostly I’m scared to hurt him. That after all that time I told him I’d wait and whatever, if we start dating and my feelings don’t come back… I don’t want to hurt him. He’s a good guy, but too much has happened. Maybe I just need some time. Maybe I need some reassurance. Most of all I need him to text me, because I haven’t heard from him since I left last night and I would at least expect a “it was nice to see you” or “have you arrived home safely?” It’s the kind of thing I would do. But then I know it’s not his thing. I told him I was bothered by our lack of communication via text, but he just shrugged it off. It’s just him. But I also know I can’t be with someone, that doesn’t text. I mean it’s okay not to live with your mobile phone attached to your hand. But a text every other day isn’t too much to ask for, right?
I don’t know. It all just feels kind of messed up. And I don’t even know what to feel anymore, which is not what I need right now. I had hoped it would sort things out and not make them even worse.
I was doing so much better about the Kenny-thing. I didn’t think of him all the time and I don’t get that stomach pang anymore when I thought of him, so I figured I was over him. But when I thought about him when P kissed me, I knew I was nowhere as close to getting over him as I had thought. And that just sucks.
My life is just a mess. Sometimes I really think it would be worth a movie *lol*