doc

I met Doc at a school party in June 2017. I was quite drunk and so was he – or so I thought. I asked him for his number when he left and we texted on and off for about 2 weeks. Then he went abroad and I haven’t heard much back from him since.

guess who showed up?

As you all know by now, whenever I don’t post much, there simply is nothing to talk about. Alan has still vanished from this my world, which is fine for me. Doc is away for a month now and hasn’t texted in a week, which is absolutely fine as well. Have somewhat gotten over the idea anyway.

What is new though: I’m going out with Gohan tonight. I know. I don’t know where this has come from either. I don’t think many remember him. We dated a while back, I guess about 5-7 years but will have to read back on that story. We had sex once and then just stopped seeing each other for whatever reason – I can’t recall.

Well, last week I bumped into him. Not so much physically, because I didn’t actually talk to him because I only realised too late and he didn’t notice me. But I did let him know by text and he said it was a pity I didn’t talk to him, because it would have been fun. To which I replied we could meet up anyway and not only have to see each other whenever we occasionaly bump into each other. I mean we haven’t seen each other on purpose since we dated back in 2012 (I have read back on it now). Last night he asked whether I was free tonight, so yes. I am going out with him.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect. He told me that he has gotten very antisocial and needed some friends to get out of the house. I have been pretty much the same over the last few years (or actually… I have always been like that), so it seemed perfect to me. He understands what I go through. And we have always been on good terms, even after we ‘broke up’.

I don’t expect anything to happen tonight, but I am somewhat curious. Everything is so open and everything could happen. We’re both single, we know each other, we’re weird. I do think we’ll just catch up on these last few years and definitely will have a good talk. But there’s a subtle nervousity in me, because we used to date. And now that I have been reading back on a few posts I wrote about him, a weird feeling has shown itself again. I do not think we’ll kiss or anything, but there has always been a connection between the two of us. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it went!

On a whole other topic: Ken and I are talking again. He actually texted me this morning, telling me that he’d found a hair from me on his handcuffs. Well, where did that come from? Haha, he has a new girlfriend, so I’m not sure why he is telling me this. I mean it has been 2 years. But whatever. Thanks for the info, I guess. 😀

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holidays did me well!

I’m back, who guessed? Have been for a few days actually, but it didn’t pop up in my mind to update you guys. I am sorry about that. So here comes a quick one:

I didn’t have internet for the 10 days I was abroad. Well, I could have, but decided against it – as I remembered how good it did me when Alan broke up with me (or whatever you would call this). I turned it on after 4 days as I had to read back some stuff and therefore got all the messages in as well. Of course I couldn’t NOT read them.
I received a text from Doc, which actually kept me happy all throughout my holidays – and still does:

You didn’t scare me off 🙂 don’t worry. I do very much like to text with you and if an opportunity turns up, we can go for a drink some time.

I actually can’t quite translate his wording, as there’s no translation for a particular word. It’s more like “we can go for a drink once”, but that doesn’t sound quite right either. And I don’t know how to interpret it. So I simply didn’t.
I was happy, because he said just like that, that he likes to text with me very much. Which shows me that he really does enjoy it. And that my feelings have been wrong. I watched a video today, that told us that we always see our own insecurities in others. I need to stop interpreting things how I would word them. I have asked him way too many times about this, and he kept saying that he enjoys talking to me. I need to turn my interpretations off for this one.

Whilst being away for 10 days I had time to let go. I figured that if we meet in 6 months or maybe a year, that’s fine, too. I don’t always have to rush things. Maybe we’ll stay friends. Maybe the texting will subside somewhen and we won’t even talk anymore – even less date. That’s all very fine. I do like this guy, I’m not gonna lie. And he seems like a genuine good guy. But what is so wrong about having patience and really getting to know someone? I don’t always have to date them right away. Maybe he’s interested in me, maybe he’s not. What if we just get to know each other, without that thought in the back of our minds?
It’s something that I have struggled with all my life, and which usually was the reason why my relationships lasted only a few months, because once I got to know them, I realised I didn’t like what I got as much as I thought. With Momo I got to know him for 2 months before we actually started dating with our mind set to more than friendship with benefits. And it turned out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Also I’m quite content with being alone, without bothering to care for someone else besides me. I have a lot going on with an upcoming surgery on my cervix, my last year of university and just personal things. So maybe I just need to focus on myself for the time being and see where the future leads me. Why does it always have to be about boys? Right, it doesn’t! And that’s what I’ve learned over the past 10 days away.

goodbye to Doc?!

The ups and downs of my feelings for Doc are horrible. Well there are no true feelings for him, I’ve only met him 1.5 weeks ago. But he has slowly slipped out of my grip these last few days. He answered on Sunday evening, and then I didn’t hear from him until last night again – when beforehand he would text me 2-5 times a day. And even yesterday’s reply probably was due to me sending a picture (joke about doctors). He then replied pretty quickly, but no more questions about me. So you see, the interest has vanished completely – or so it feels like.
I’m just scared to be misinterpreting everything and losing him because of my stupid head. But I also don’t want to corner him, when he indeed is just too shy to tell me what is going on.

This has set me a few steps back again. When I reread my last post, it was so full of positivity and hope. This has vanished by now. I don’t think Doc and I are ever going to meet. And that’s okay. I just need to hear it from him. And that’s why I’m considering asking him straight forward.

“I’m already gonna tell you goodbye, as I’m taking off early tomorrow morning and most likely will have no internet for the time being.
By the way, I didn’t mean to scare you off by asking to meet up, because I feel like you haven’t been as talkative since I asked. Don’t get me wrong, you are cool and everything, but if you’re not interested it is totally fine for me and you can tell me straightforward. I’m pretty simple when it comes to these things 🙂
Or maybe I’m just misinterpreting things and it really is about your rare time/stress and my feeling is wrong once more. I do not know. I’m sorry for blabbering on, but I really needed to get it off my chest and I don’t want to accuse you of anything. I hope you don’t misunderstand.
Anyway.. maybe we’ll talk when I’m back home, otherwise I wish you a nice time 🙂 and don’t work too much!”

This is what I sent him. It’s actually quite hard to put this feeling into words, without them sounding like an accusation or me sounding like that whiney little girl, with no self-esteem whatsoever. I mean it is totally okay to not be his type of girl, or us just being friends… or maybe not even this. I don’t want to lose him, because he seems nice. That’s why I was scared to send it in the first place. I could just live on in the dream of some day dating him. But it has done me no good with Alan already, when I just dreamt of us getting back together, when the reality told me the opposite.
We’ll see. I’ll let y’all know when I’m back home.

finding love

I texted Doc on Friday, asking “do you feel like meeting up for a drink sometimes, if you find the time?” I don’t know where all the courage came from, but honestly… I already knew the answer I would get. And I knew by asking that I would know where I’m standing with him.
I also wanted to give him a chance of an excuse (no time), so he didn’t have to dump me. I figured he was the kind of person, that wasn’t able to really tell someone that he was not interested. I don’t mean this in any bad way, I’m the same. I just figured he was too nice to be that honest to hurt someone.

After I sent it I waited… and waited… and waited. There was no reply that evening. Which wasn’t that much of a surprise, as I usually got an answer super late from him. On Saturday morning there was still nothing. Neither on Sunday morning. I started to feel sad, not about him dumping me.. but just because I hadn’t thought he was the kind of guy to be ghosting me. I never actually lost the hope in him replying.. I was just,.. surprised. I can’t really describe the feeling, as I always knew he would text me at some point. But then I knew how wrong I was about Alan, so I don’t really trust my knowledge in human nature anymore. I didn’t know if I was wrong once again. I really didn’t want to be.

Turns out, I wasn’t. This evening I got a text, saying: “Yes, I would like to meet up, but the time is the crucial part… as you have experienced by me only replying now.”
I wasn’t even sad, as I expected exactly this answer. I was actually proud of me for asking in the first place and not holding back from possibly being turned down. I did text him back, that he should let me know whenever he was free and wanted to see me, as I’m quite spontaneous. I don’t expect this to ever happen, but who really knows?!

I wasn’t exactly sad. Not in a way that I have been before, when I got such an answer from someone. But then again, I think it’s because I knew beforehand that I’m not actually his type of girl. Or that’s what I think anyway.
And it got me thinking… Why just give up? Love is not meant to be “plain and easy”. I can’t expect to meet someone, talk to them for 2 weeks and then be happily in love. That probably is one reason why my relationships never worked out, as I was always so impatient. I need to really get to know someone. Even if it takes a year or even longer, who cares? Maybe he needs time for himself. He is busy, and I understand that I’m not a priority. I don’t even expect to be one. I know that if he really wanted to see me, he would find the time… but it’s not the case, and that’s totally fine.

Maybe this is meant to be a lesson for my patience in finding love. Who really knows?
When I think back to how Momo and I got together, it was actually the same. We met, we texted a lot, we had sex.. and I always asked myself what I was doing. Why we couldn’t just put a label on what we had? Why we couldn’t just fall in love with each other. But I kept doing what I knew I could deal with. And in the end (2 months later) we figured out, that we do match pretty good and this could work out. And it did (for the time being).

Maybe this is the same? Or maybe fate just made me meet him to forget about Alan (which actually really has worked. He has been on my mind a lot less, and whenever he is, I’m not hurt anymore.. so that’s great).

Who really knows? I’m just living life and enjoying what I have. Who even needs to think nonstop about finding the one? It’s never going to happen that way, and I know that.

out of my league

I guess it’s time to update on my current situation, right?

I haven’t heard from Alan. The last time that we talked on his behalf was over 6 weeks ago. As I mentioned, he does answer my texts, but not intending on any conversation or interest in me whatsoever. I have not heard one thing about any of the letters and honestly, I truly have given up about a week ago to ever hear from him again. So far I have gifted the tickets I bought for him to a friend of mine, I have deleted him on instagram a few weeks back. And I deleted his snapchat today. It was the only source of connection anymore that was left. The only way to know what is going on in his life. And I figured it was time to cut this off, too. We’re still friends on facebook, but I unfollowed him a few weeks ago as well – so I need to actively go on his profile to see anything. So that’s gonna be the last step to get him out of my life completely.
I am glad I have met Doc. He made me finally let go of Alan for good. Not that he had any intention to, or that I am hoping to fall in love with Doc. But at least this came out of it: Getting rid of Alan for good.

Now. Doc and I. A whole other story.
As I mentioned he didn’t reply to my drunk text from 3am. Saturday night I texted him again, asking if he was back to normal and asking if he even knew what my name was. This was the start of very long conversations. Turned out he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. He knew everything that I told him that evening. Like every detail I ever blabbered about. Which is quite the opposite of Alan. So I knew he was actually listening to me.
I’m not the biggest fan of doctors, so I wasn’t very keen when he told me he was becoming to be one. My opinion has changed completely though. He is so forthcoming and listens to everything I say. He asks about my health (which once more, was just so funny to see the difference between a stranger and Alan. Doc asked so much about my coming operation and stuff). There was a turn in conversation 2 days ago – or so I thought. I felt like he didn’t ask as many questions anymore. Or just seemed annoyed having to talk to me. I guess it was all in my head though. I mean, the texts still don’t fit on one phone screen, so you can imagine how lengthy those are. I told him last night, that he should not feel obliged to text me, even less in that length. That I do find him interesting, but don’t want to interrupt him doing things. To which he replied “that’s nice of you, but I text you because I want to and not because I feel obliged. So don’t worry about that”. I just had that feeling. He’s that kind of guy who’s just being nice to everyone and I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. I do think he is not interested romantically, but I just enjoy getting to know him. We’ll see how things are going and where it will lead us.

Also I found out that he’s 3 years younger than me, so that’s a thing. I just don’t think I’m his type of girl. He’s what you could call “out of my league”.

Friday night | part 2.

So as you can imagine, I wasn’t in the best place for getting drunk. But I really didn’t care no more. I just wanted to have a good time and enjoy myself. Forget all about Alan for a few hours.

By 11pm when we went to the party I was pretty drunk. I still remember everything I did and said, but I was definitely drunk. Now comes the fun part.

One thing you need to know: when I’m drunk I talk to everyone. I don’t care whether they look at me awkwardly, I just love everybody when I’m drunk. And I dance, like there’s no tomorrow.
So a girl gave me some bracelets to give out and I did just that. I went over to 2 guys that I had been watching before and gave them a bracelet each. One of them – Doc – started to talk to me. He was very beautiful (he still is, even now that I am sober!) and smart. He turned out to be studying to become a doctor in the hospital close to my home. We talked for probably 2 hours (or maybe my time frame has been messed up). We danced and laughed and really just clicked. He talked to my friends as well. Of course my friends all came up and said I should grab him, but I wasn’t drunk enough to make a move. We did dance pretty closely, as in – I could actually smell his breath (that sounds so much worse than what I intended to). When we danced that closely we both looked away as not to get in that situation of a probably-kiss. Yet there were a few of those moments. The chemistry definitely was there. And I think if his friend hadn’t been so grumpy, he probably would have kissed me. It was just perfect.

Unfortunately his friend wasn’t a big fan of us talking so much. I could tell pretty early on that he was upset about being “alone”. At around 2ish o’clock he told him to go home. I really had hoped he would not go, but who am I to deny them to go home? So Doc came over and said “we’re going home now”. Fortunately I was drunk enough to ask him for his number. I was like “Can I have your number?”… and he looked at me and was like “ummmm…. yeah? I guess so” He seemed very shy about it, so I’m not sure whether he just didn’t want to dump me and say no, or if he was just surprised about me asking. Or maybe he had a girlfriend, but then he probably wouldn’t have danced with me like that. Or he was just really drunk.
But I really just wanted to be able and contact him. I didn’t even know his name until he typed it in my phone. Fortunately my friend knew his brother, so I got to his last name as well.

I texted him pretty soon after he left, to have a safe journey home. He texted back “thank you so much, same to you”. To which I replied (still pretty drunk) when I went home “thanks. Going home now as well. Cool to have met you”. It was 3.30am by then.
I did not get a reply so I figured he was already asleep. Haven’t gotten a text message all day today either. So of course my self-conciousness is kicking in. I know he’s way too beautiful to be with me. And he’s very intelligent. And has a nice body. I mean he’s a doc. Come on?!
But then he talked to me for so long last night. And we laughed a lot. Although I guess I made those moves of dancing closer. I’m not exactly sure. So I’m not sure whether he’s just not interested, busy or just forgot again? Maybe he was so drunk he forgot about me? I really can’t tell.

What should I do? Wait for him to text me? Text him in like a day to ask how he’s doing? I really don’t know. I would love to meet him again. He really seemed like a nice guy. And my friends were all over ‘us’ as well.
But he probably doesn’t even know my name. Why do I always forget to ask for names, when I meet someone new? Who even does that? *sigh*

I really am trying not to get my hopes up about this one.