I had a rough night last night. The last few days have gone by surprisingly well, without dwelling on Kenny too much. I was actually quite surprised about how good I was dealing with it, considering how low I had been on Thursday. But then last night happened. The good thing was, since I had night shifts before, I was able to sleep whenever I felt tired and there was no sleep cycle needed. Today I had to work an early shift and therefore get into bed at some reasonable time. I went to bed around 9pm, turned off my series… and then it started. Everything came back. Flash backs of how Kenny looked at me, how he stroked me and whatever. So I turned the series back on, knowing very well I would not get enough sleep,… but everything that was not connected to Kenny would be fine by me.
When I drove to work this morning a song came on the radio that describes the situation with Kenny and I perfectly. So I simply sent him the link to it without any comment and turned my phone off. I did not expect him to react, or at least not positively. Especially since he hasn’t replied to my question last Friday of why we would never have more than just physical attraction.
Well he asked me how I was after saying that the song described us very well and I said I was dealing somehow. He simply stated “and it’s my fault…” I wanted to deny it at first, but we both would have known that’d be a lie so I said the situation has just made me realise a lot of bad things in my life and that’s why I was struggling (which is true!). He once more said “yeah, but because of me!”
so I said: “Kenny, if it doesn’t work for one, it’s always going to be shitty for the other one. That’s life!”
Him: Of course that’s true… but I honestly don’t believe it would be right for you to be with me.
Me: Why do you think that?
Him: You may know me for a long time… but not very well
Me: You sure?
Him: Yep 🙂
Me: I can’t tell.. but if you think so.
Him: M, I honestly like you and I think you’re awesome! But we’re not meant for each other…
Me: I’ve understood that, but I just wonder why you’re so sure of this?
And that’s when he stopped replying again. He always stops when I ask him why. Why no feelings. Why no chance. Why whatever. He never replies. And I talked to a friend about this and I guess there are 2 main options:
- One: he has feelings, but doesn’t want to confront himself with them. He’s scared to fail. Maybe scared that he wouldn’t be enough for me, once I know him. Maybe scared that I’ll leave him once and for all, if it doesn’t work out. Or he’s simply scared of these feelings as they are. Blunt.
- Two: He literally has no feelings, but doesn’t want to give me away entirely. Like, this way he knows he can suck me back in and get what he wants every now and then. If he tells me he has no feelings, he knows it is done for me. Like.. entirely. No more kissing or anything else. Just. Done.
Even though you might think I’m stupid, I still believe in option 1. Simply because of the way he acts and words things. I can’t see him not having feelings. Why would he say the relationship wouldn’t work for ME, when he could tell me it doesn’t work for HIM?! If he wants to get rid of me, why not just tell me that he can’t be with me for reason 1, 2 and 3. You get me?!
He has some sort of feelings, I’ve felt it when we spent time together. And whilst it is true that I don’t know him the best, I’m sure I know a lot of what is going on in his mind when it comes to feelings (not with me involved, but other stuff).
I don’t know what his problem is, and I guess I’ll just have to let it be. Because it seems like I won’t ever get an answer to that. Which is sad, because it is the one thing that would let me being able to let go of him. But oh well… this conversation made me realise that I have let him go mostly already. I did not get that weird gut feeling I usually do when I get dumped. There were no tears. It was just getting in the facts to move on.