I feel like I need to type out my feelings towards Kenny before I see him on Thursday.
I’m not entirely sure where we’re heading to, and I’m also not sure how I’ll feel about it once I’m going home from our “date” again, but right now… I’m looking forward to seeing him. I really miss him when he doesn’t text, and we have been in constant contact from morning to night every day the last 2 weeks or so. This is new, but then also not so new, because it usually is like that before we see each other.
I don’t know what to expect. I do expect us to kiss, but then I also think he might try to hold himself together and therefore not kiss me. I’m not sure how I’ll feel when he doesn’t. I probably would be sad, if I’m being honest. I’m definitely not going to make that first step, but I’d love to kiss him. Not gonna lie. Actually, right now I’d probably even go into friends with benefits with him… but that’s most likely because I’m so lonely lately and the attention I get from him feels so good. I know it’d be hard, because I know about his girlfriend and so on… but I guess I’ll just see how it goes in a few days.
Another thing that happened this weekend: As I’ve said before, we’re chatting on snapchat. You can send special emoji’s (bitmoji) with your personal avatars. I think it was Sunday morning when he sent me an emoji, which said “I love you”. I was pretty surprised by this. Not because I thought he didn’t love me, but because he was so open about it. He did claim that he hadn’t meant to send it, but let’s be real. They’re huge, you can’t just push one on accident. Maybe he just wanted to see how I reacted? And I know he loves me in some way. I don’t think I have ever been so sure about someone having feelings towards me. But then probably because we both know we can’t allow them.
I don’t know. I’m just excited to see him this Thursday. He texted me this morning saying “it’s Thursday soon”. He didn’t say why (obviously because he’s off work, but then also – I guess – he’s excited to see me as well).
So I’m pretty torn. I do want him. But I also know it will do me no good, because I don’t want to be second choice. The question seems to be, whether I am second choice or the girlfriend is. It might be obvious to you guys, but then why is he always coming back to me? Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m at the bad end of all of this. But we’ll see. There’s not much to lose, right?