a serious talk with Kenny

Something new happened with Kenny. Well kind of, we’ve had talks about our emotions or our status before… so it’s not entirely new. But it was indicated from his part, so that was new.
He had been somewhat silent yesterday and I thought he might be mad, because I didn’t go over when he asked me to. But I just thought to myself, that if he actually decides to ignore me for that, I’d just leave him be for how ever long it’ll take us to get back together.

Well anyway. I’m glad snapchat lets you save your messages, since I can’t take screenshots for he would notice. So it started out with us arguing about sex. This is nothing new and I told him to let it go, because I was not in the mood to argue. All of a sudden he asked me what I thought of him. That was new. And I figured it was time to let him know what kind of mess he’s getting me into:
I’m not sure what I think about you myself actually. You know that I like you, but things like on Saturday let me ask myself what I am to you… it’s one thing to not agree on what ‘cheating’ is…  but sometimes I just ask myself if I’m a ‘fun toy’ for in between.. not sure how to explain my feelings

I didn’t get an answer for the longest time. I also didn’t know what to expect from him, I had absolutely no clue. After a few hours he sent me a wink-emoji and said that he understood me and knows what he does isn’t good. And that we’ve talked about this before.
We have. We’ve gone through the exact same thing 2 years ago, without any change.
I wanted to be completely honest so I replied the following: “I’m not accusing you of anything, I hope you know that. I just wouldn’t be able to do so, or rather that’s the only reason I didn’t come on Saturday, because I remembered how I felt 2 years ago. I wasn’t the one to do anything wrong, but I’m an honest and loyal person and it was hard for me. It’s not that I had hoped you would leave your girlfriend for me. I never hoped or thought so. But still it hurt me… I know we’ll probably never be able to  get our fingers off each other and in some way that’s nice to know, too.. but still…
He then exclaimed how I had something about me, that keeps him coming back for me. He then asked what we should do about it and I said I didn’t know and probably never will.

Then things took a weird turn. He said “best would be, if you’d have a boyfriend“. I just said “why should that make things any easier between us?” and he said this way I’d be able to forget about him. Which is ridiculous. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 16 years and we always had that thing going on. I met him when I was 12 and fell in love with him just by texting. It took us like 4 years to finally meet up (by accident that is), and that’s when he kissed me even though he had a girlfriend back then. So that story has started a loooong way back. A boyfriend wouldn’t change my feelings towards him. I might decide to hide them, but it wouldn’t change them.

I’m not sure what to do about this. Like I said, I don’t think we’ll end up together. He probably is somewhat happy with his girlfriend and I believe him. I’m not sure if anyone who hasn’t ever experienced something like that understands… but it’s just something that keeps us getting back together. Yet the timing is always wrong. He just said how last year we didn’t meet up when he had been single. And that was due to me being with Alan. We can’t seem to get it right. And I’m not hoping or wanting for him to break up with his girlfriend. I would never ask him for that, if he’s happy. The last girlfriend I told him to leave was, because he wasn’t happy anymore (and it still took him a year to do so, after we kissed).

I know all of this sounds so awkward. And I’m telling you, it’s not that I want to forget about P. Of course it doesn’t make things any easier for me, and I definitely wouldn’t let myself have these talks if I’d date anyone. But I’m not, so musing about Kenny and I… well what is new in my life? Drama everywhere.

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