oh well, hello depression!

Before I leave you hanging, wondering what has happened ever since… I need to write this down before I forget to post how the story continued…

So after I told him not to join me to come to my granny’s and he just accepted my decision (which, don’t get me wrong, I was happy about.. but yet expected him to act up in any way), I was once more crying in bed. Slipping back into depression. I could feel the grip.

That night he asked if everything was okay with me. And I truthfully said “no”. He asked what had happened and I was upset, that he didn’t even think that I was still feeling bad about what had happened at the weekend.
I once more told him about my feelings. He once more hit back with things that didn’t really matter. I told him about my constant crying. About his way of “solving” problems (aka just talking about something else). I told him what to do (aka just ask when he felt like I was distant or whatever). He then tried to defend himself saying that he did indeed ask how I was doing. I got upset once more, telling him that it took him 4 days to ask. He kept just trying to defend each and every action he’s done so far instead of just trying to understand my point of view.
I told him once more that it wasn’t one single action that made me lose my shit, but the little things building up (I don’t think he has yet understood what I mean, but I’m done trying to explain). He once more got back to that very same situation, telling me that I could’ve simply told him to join me to bed, or joined them to talk. So still no understanding, right? And by then I lost my shit. It was 12am, I wasn’t in the mood to once more argue, my head was killing me. So I told him to once more reread what I had told him last Saturday, because I could not explain myself any better than that. I was having a bad headache and was done with that whole situation. Thoughts of breaking up have been popping up in my head, and I knew I needed to get away from this fight.

His words: “I’ll reread it sometime“. Really? Setting your priorities right again, huh? Which – of course – got me upset once more. So I just said “I would really like to explain it to you once more, but I’m slowly noticing how my body is giving up, because my mind is. I have been suffering from a depression for a long time and these kind of things just help it surface once more. I know it’s not easy, and I will not ever complain about someone leaving me because it’s too complicated.
This made me tear up again. It’s not easy to confess a depression to someone you love.

Guess what?

No reply.

That was the point where I was really done with this relationship. If someone does not react to a confession like that, it was just wrong. So wrong. Add into that, he texted me the next morning a lovely “good morning 🙂 “, which upset me that much more. I didn’t reply for 2 hours, so he got angry and told me not to ignore him and whatever. How easy it had been in the beginning and I should stop acting that way.

I truthfully replied “No I feel like bullshit. If you cannot reply to a message like my confession, I can’t help you anymore.” I lashed out on him a lot more after that. How he has no idea how to treat people with mental problems, how he should not always make life as easy as it seems (because let’s be honest. He’s had a lovely life with few to none problems. Yes, his parents are divorced, but then that’s about all bad that’s happened to him). That was the moment I realised, why I’ve had all the boyfriends with mental problems. At least they knew what I was talking about. They needed me. To keep them on the surface. And Alan doesn’t.

Anyway. He then told me that he wasn’t okay with me telling him about my depression “by the way”, assuming he had long known about it. Which I didn’t. I knew that he didn’t know about my depression. How would he? Most of my friends don’t know about it. So I told him that I did not assume this, but that I had expected SOME sort of reaction at least. But that this was exactly what I meant about “not talking about problems”.
Which of course, he once more took personally and said that his life was not easy and whatever.

By then I had to get to work. And I was done with all this fighting. I really was done by now. I knew there was no reason to tell him those things, because he will never truly understand. He’s not ever been in such a situation. All his friends seem to be happy little buds. No friends with depression. So how should he even know how to deal with such a thing? So I just cut it off. I told him that I will not talk about this subject any longer, that if he ever had questions, he could ask me. But I would not talk about it in my means anymore. That maybe we could get back to our “old selves” once his final exams were over (because he used this as an excuse as not having time to wrap his head around ‘my depression’).

His last text about it was “Yes, I think it’s for the best to not talk about it anymore [no surprise here]. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to react about your confession. I did want to know about it, but didn’t want to ask anything wrong.” To which I explained that asking will never be wrong with me.

So really? I don’t know what to think about any of this. I’m not so sure if we can spend a life together, if he does not know how to treat me and my depression. Maybe it’s unfair to expect this, but I have always had friends that were okay with it – or at least seemed to react in the right way. I don’t know. For now we’ll leave things be like they are right now. We have managed to treat each other normally again. Talking like friends (no affection so far). I told him that I could come over for the night this weekend. I know we need to see each other, it will be awkward anyway. So better get it done with as soon as possible. And like I’ve mentioned already. Maybe 3 weeks apart will do us good. Maybe not.

However, he’s just canceled these plans. I’m not gonna ask to see him again.

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