update on my mind

My blog posts have been all over the place lately. And so has my mind. Today however I feel better in general. I have found some peace at last. I’m not great, but dealing okay.

Firstly, I am so occupied with work, that I don’t have a lot of time to think about what happened or is happening. When I get home, I’m usually so tired I go to sleep or just get busy with playing games on my phone to switch my mind off things. Maybe that’s a bad way to not deal with my emotions, but right now it’s the only way I can handle.
Sure, I am still sad about how things went these last few weeks. I did hope I could keep in contact with the guys from the animation team, but I also knew deep down that it would be very difficult and it needed to be both sided. Which it obviously wasn’t. However, I am doing a lot better than I thought I would be at that time. Maybe it’s just the realisation. Life goes on, and so do I. It’s sad, because I really felt like Crush was special, but whatever. Also it doesn’t take a lot to get me back to sad-state, as I’m friends with most of them on facebook and whenever pictures pop up with them, it makes me sad.
Example: Lex uploaded a picture with a few guys today. It made me realise that he might have just wanted to get in my pants, like it was probably his plan all along and then I ask myself with how many girls he’s slept with ever since. But I need to shut my brain off when it comes to these kind of things. It was just sex. Just sex.

Secondly, I have come to a point where I just take life day by day. I try not to think about the future too much and just take one step at a time right now. I can’t change the future – well, yes I can, but you get me, right? So what is there in for me to nag about things I can’t change right now? If life wants me to get away, I will go in less than 2 years. If it doesn’t, there will be a damn good reason not to.

Thirdly, although I wanted to be left alone most of the time the last few weeks, simply because I feel like my friends don’t give a shit… I went out with Mr. Cucu tonight. Although I was so annoyed because I was stuck in traffic for 45minutes and had a headache when I arrived, as soon as I saw and hugged him, I was all good again. He’s just a guy that can keep my mind off things and I love him for that. I truly do. He invited me over to his place and we talked for over an hour and I just miss him being closer to my home. But he’s great. He really is.
I just feel let down from my other friends for several reasons. I did tell a few about my emotions, and yes, they listened and tried to give me hope and advice. But as soon as that conversation was done (like 2 weeks ago) there was never a question back if I was better by now. And that’s when I feel like they don’t care, so I won’t talk to them anymore. For example, I haven’t seen my girl-“best friend” in about 6-7 months. Probably even more. It actually was right before Stan broke up with me. So that’s been ages.
Yes, she has asked me to meet several times, but you know how one feels if she’s like “I’m writing my master thesis, I moved in with my boyfriend, I got new kittens, I work, I am so busy blahblahblah.” And then when she’s like done with everything, and all of a sudden I need to make time for her, because.. well she’s ready now? I don’t like this kind of behaviour and that’s why I never actually made time for her anymore. She didn’t even tell me about moving in with her boyfriend until 1 week before they moved. Seriously?

I’m still on Tinder, and have met some guys on there. However, after reading Hookup Cultures post today, I realised that I am not ready to date. I like the attention, yes. But as soon as there is one tiny detail a guy has, I find a reason not to date him. I have been like this ever since I broke up with Momo… and even with Momo I feel like, I could have worked through these issues. But oh well, it’s the way it is right now. And I don’t really care about dating right now anyway.

If it ever happens, that’s alright, if it doesn’t, it’s alright as well.

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