I have been feeling very apathetic all day long since that text message of Kenny. I didn’t feel like my normal self anymore. I wasn’t particularly sad, but something in me changed. I think I gave up on my hope to ever find someone who would treat me the way I deserve – and I know that is partly my own fault. Anyway, back to the beginning of the story.
After what Kenny told me yesterday, I was beyond mad. How could he be so heartless – because I knew he must have noticed that I was having a crush on him – and just plain out tell me that he just wanted me for sex?! I was devastated. I can’t tell when I last was so mad at someone.
But how did the story continue, you might ask…
Me: You said that you didn’t have expectations, I never did.
Him: So what expectations do you have then?
Me: Kenny, just leave it be. I told you everything was okay and I know that it’s my own fault. I’ll do okay.
He didn’t reply anymore. This happened around 10pm yesterday and I was beyond mad when I didn’t get a message till today. I was angry and disappointed. Just one more proof that I am not in the slightest important to him.
I’m not usually one to let my feelings out on someone like that, but I needed to get it out, so at 9am I sent him the following text:
“See that’s exactly what I cannot understand. How is someone ‘important’ to you, when you can’t even reply? I didn’t blame you or anything alike, but yet you just make me realise that you do not like me at all, you just couldn’t tell me that you wanted to use me just – and I mean JUST – for sex. I am disappointed and sad that you just said these things to get into my pants, I’m not sad because I knew I was talking myself into this. But I thought after 15 years we could be honest with each other and not lie. Whatever, I’m gonna get used to it again. Have a nice day :-* ”
Now. I know this was a huge blast, and as I said it’s so not me. Fun thing? It didn’t even take him 5 minutes to reply (so much to he was busy):
Heeey take it easy… I fell asleep yesterday and was busy at work today.. I definitely didn’t just want to have sex with you and still don’t. If I would have wanted that, I would have long gotten it! I don’t want to take advantage of you either, because you don’t deserve that! I just want to stay in contact with you and if there’s a chance, I would really like to see you again, but without any intentions… :-*
Like. What the fuck did I just read? I do not understand how this matches to what he said to me yesterday (“We clarified that it was just fun in the beginning!“)? This tells a completely different story. Or is it just me? I really don’t understand anymore.
And I’m gonna be completely honest. At first my heart got all excited again and I wanted to let him right back in. But then I realised that this is just what it is. He wants to be friends. Maybe he wants to be friends with benefits some day. Maybe he doesn’t even know himself what he wants. Who knows?
I do not have a clue what he actually wants, if he’s playing a game, if he’s unsure or whatever is going on in that wicked head of his… but there is never going to come a relationship out of this, and I need to realise this. It’s okay. Although it has put me right back into depression, which really sucks, but I can get through. Maybe we can go back to normal after the weekend, who knows really? I’m not gonna put much effort into that friendship though, because if he wants me in his life, he needs to prove.
diary of a tight-lipped girl. 
You deserve so much better then someone that is just going to keep messing you about. Its just all one big game to him and I really don’t think that he isn’t taking anything seriously. From what it sounds, it seems that the last text he just realised that he might not be able to get sex from you again so he is trying to reel you back into his world. I would just say, even though you might not take what I say. Just try not to get sucked back in too much, i know what its like you really like him so it can be hard. But really just try not to because you are only going to get hurt more
I know what you mean! Thank you so much for your honesty, I truly appreciate it.
I have told my friend today already, that he first needs to gain my trust back. These thoughts you’ve written down are in my head constantly and I will keep them in mind until he proves otherwise. I will take my time until I give in. Of course I like the flirting with him a little too much, but I never forget about his girlfriend and that’s mainly what keeps me off. I am now just curious what he has to tell me about “us”.