Today feels like eternity.
I woke up early again today due to Kenny’s early work shift. I don’t mind, I like chatting with him. Somehow he got angry with me in the morning when I asked if I should switch off my head/heart or whatever. He asked if I was trying to make him mad. I left it at that, went on a walk and then decided to just ask. What was there to lose? “You know what I’d like to know or what would help me? What do you expect or want from this situation with us?” I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to hear the answer. But I knew I needed it. I needed to hear it.
I don’t have any expectations… I don’t really hope for anything either… I’m just enjoying and we’ll see where things’ll go. What about you?
I tried to explain without actually saying that I am having problems with not expecting anything (I said “I try more or less not to hope for anything”). He didn’t get the clue and said:
As long as we both don’t have any expectations it’s great 😉
You might understand that I was not too satisfied with this answer. I mean the first part was okay, I was actually more than okay with that answer, because “we’ll see where things are head” is not negative at all, now is it? But the second one just pointed towards just sex. I was having trouble talking to him afterwards. I really did. I got very distant. After a while he asked whether I was angry and I just replied “No, I’m not angry or anything. I got the answer I wanted and am going to act the way you expect me to. Everything’s great :-)” His reply was awful: “:-D 😀 😀 great!”… ummm. okay.
The anger always helps me get over someone. Always has. But somehow it still felt wrong, I don’t know why. I didn’t want to give up or lose him quite yet. Maybe I’m just a masochist. I texted him about an hour ago if everything was okay, because he wouldn’t answer my texts anymore and he said that everything was fine. He asked if I was okay as well to which I said “Hmm.. I don’t really know actually.” He asked what was bothering me but I brushed it off. He didn’t reply anymore. And I don’t expect to have a text message tomorrow morning either.
You see, the thing is. I don’t know why, but I don’t believe that he’s just looking for sex. I’m trying to convince myself that he is, but I feel like there’s more to it. My gut is telling me that he is hiding something. And although everything points towards just having fun, I feel like there are emotions involved, not just with me. He wouldn’t have stopped talking to me after what I said about acting how he wants me to, would he? Either he just needs the reassurance or the confidence-boost I gave him with my emotionally bubbling, or he really is interested. Or maybe I’m just hoping for that fairytale in my life of a guy I’ve known half my life, that told me 13 years ago, he would love to end up with me one day and just don’t want to see the truth.
I have no idea, I guess I have to keep on going and find out.
I fucking hate this game.