a confession

This is something I was trying to avoid to ever have to write. Yet, I knew this would happen sooner or later. I really didn’t want this, but I have to deal with this situation now. I just don’t know how exactly.

I think you guys have realised, that I have somehow closed the “case” with Dodo a couple of weeks ago. Yes, I did tell him that I needed time, I didn’t tell him that my feelings have vanished. I have been a real pussy cat, not being completely honest with him. I was lying to myself, hoping that feelings would show up, when I knew they probably wouldn’t. The same thing that happened with Ken, now happened again with Dodo. And I feel worse than ever. The one thing I tried to avoid, has happened. Why?

You probably are asking yourself what the hell I am talking about. A few days ago I have downloaded an app, similar to Tinder. I have met a few cool guys. Yes, I did feel guilty towards Dodo, but I needed to get my mind off him, off the guilt I felt, off the pressure he put me under. Tonight I was this close to meet up with one of them, because I really loved his chatty funny side. When we exchanged our numbers and started chatting via WhatsApp I saw that Dodo was typing. I knew that a love confession would follow, as he was drunk. He asked me in the afternoon to ignore him, because he would drink,.. so I did. But I just knew the confession would happen tonight. So when I saw him typing for the longest time, I knew what awaited me. I tried to sleep, forget about it. But after an hour of trying, I gave up. The following message was waiting for me:

I know you don’t wanna hear it. But I have a feeling.. I have a feeling I’ve never had in 9.5 years with my ex-girlfriend, I never felt so happy and save like when I was lying in your arms. I can’t describe this feeling in words, but I have never been so sure about having the one in my arms. I know you’re not ready for a relationship and I respect this decision and will wait for you however long it will take you. I just hope you can respect my confession to this.. you are the one for me, I don’t even know how to say it. The one person that can understand how I feel. What I feel for you, I can’t even describe in words, I have no idea. You are just that one person, the one. Every other person would say ‘ I love you ‘, but you know how I feel about love, so there’s nothing else to say than I will wait for you.

How do you tell someone who has just written something like this, that you do not intend to get into a relationship with him? Like… ever. I do not not intend to get into a relationship – don’t get me wrong – but I know that I won’t fall in love with him. He is too clingy, too much like Momo in his personality. I am not only not ready for a relationship, but I will never be ready for him. Not for his expectations. I can’t tell you what it is that makes me so sure about this, but I am.
I have decided not to answer to his message whilst he is drunk. He would only get himself mindlessly drunk and I fear him going over board. But it doesn’t make it any easier when he is sober. How do you tell someone who thinks ‘you are the one’ that he is indeed not for you? I am lost for words or thoughts. I am truly shattered about this. I haven’t felt so awful in a looong, long time.

How do I always end up in the same situation? I hate having a crush and realising too late that I am not really in love, whilst the guy is mindlessly falling in love with me. I hate it, and I think that is the main reason I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to hurt any more people.

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12 comments

  1. Don’t be so hard on yourself, we all manage to get into situations that are destructive for ourselves and others, but we do have free will and new chances to become who we want to be.

    1. Thank you, but the problem is that I really don’t know how I get into these situations all the time. I tried so much not to let it happen again, yet here I am again. You understand?..

    2. Usually the thought of not knowing might be worse than not knowing. For some people, it’s more helpful to let the answers present themselves in their own time, to not overtax our brain. Shame is typical when we do something we regret, but how can we feel shameful for something we didn’t anticipate or know at the time the mistake happened?

    1. Just yourself space.. If somebody is not willing to understand dont chop your brain with them

  2. Erm, your last like hit me hard: may be that’s why I don’t want to be in relationship because I don’t want to hurt any more people.
    I can totally understand and I know it will be heartbreaking to reveal your side of the story to Dodo when he thinks you are ‘the one’. One thing you should know is that some things are needed to be done and this is one of them to set yourself free. Don’t be so hard on yourself regarding this situation, I think from the next time you should just make it clear that it’s ‘harmless flirting’, don’t mistake it for ‘love’.

    -Naima

  3. I started following you just around the time MoMo and you finished and you started dating Ken. I was going through the same exact thing at the time, and haven’t written in a while. But seeing your posts today remind me of the same bind we all seem to go through. There’s nothing wrong with you, I assure you. We all go through this, and the best advice I can give you is – give yourself time, until you’re ready. If they’re not going to respect you enough to respect that you asked for more time, or walk away, it’s their loss, not yours. We all know ourselves better than anyone. It’s always easy to give advice, but not easy to take. In the end, if we’re not ready, we’re not going to listen to anyone except that little voice in the back of our heads. Give yourself time, let yourself heal, date a little, have a little fun, find who YOU are again. Everything else will fall into its rightful place.

    1. This is so very true, thank you so much for reading my posts that far back as well as commenting this. I am glad to say that I have understood to give myself the time needed, until the right one shows up again to fall in love with.

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