I did see my schoolmates again this week, and them asking how it was going with Dodo made me feel very uncomfortable. I told them “everything was good, it always is when there’s no official relationship”,.. well basically it is, it’s just not in my head. And I hated to tell them that things were going great, when they weren’t exactly. Well, they are.. just not in my head. This makes no sense whatsoever.
I mean I told one schoolfriend how I felt (I think I told you guys in my last post about that situation), but I’m not eager to explain them that I am in a very similar place again like with Ken. And realising this, made me cringe. So I decided to make something different this time.
Dodo asked me on Monday, if I’d like to meet up somewhen that week. I told him no, because I wanted to get used to my work schedule and knew I would be shattered in the evening from being on my feet all day long. He asked me again yesterday, if we could meet up at the weekend and I said “yes”. He then asked if I’d like to sleep over today and I said I would think about it. When I woke up today, I knew I couldn’t do it. I just knew that he would expect me to sleep with him. I’m not sure why, I just had that intuition. And I decided to write him an e-mail to explain my feelings a bit. It was long overdue.
I felt bad for holding them back as long as I have now (it has been about 3 weeks I guess, but I only really realised a week ago that I was not ready for this). Long story short: I told him that I am not sure if I was ready for another relationship, that I am not yet over the relationship with Momo and that I needed time for myself. That I would like to keep it going as we are having it right now, but not increasing the contact (like weekly sleepovers and stuff). I need some time to myself to find out if I can do this or not. Time to think if this is the right thing, time to find out if I am falling in love with him or not. And I told him that I didn’t want him to hold back from dating other girls or whatever IF he wanted to, because I am having trouble with this. That I couldn’t ask him to wait forever. I also told him that I was feeling “unready” when he started to touch me last week, and that I felt bad for not being able to give him what he wanted. Basically what I told you guys in my last post.
When one writes a text like this, you do have some kind of expectation on the reply, right? I didn’t know what to expect at all. I didn’t know how I expected him to react to this. If he’d be okay or totally shattered…
His first response was “okay…”. I am not going to lie, I was really disappointed. I’ve known him for 10+ years and I did not expect him to say “okay”. Just “okay”. He’s not that type of guy to not say something about feelings. So I put my phone aside and walked away.
When I returned to my phone an hour later I had 3 long texts from him, explaining a lot. I didn’t even read them, when I already felt a lot calmer. That was more like him… He said that the thing with his ex-girlfriend has long been over (I also wrote that I felt like he probably isn’t over her already, since they only broke up 3 weeks ago and they’ve been together for 9 years and I feel like he’s rushing into the next thing to get his mind off the breakup) and that he has no other chance than to “wait” for me, because I am that important to him and I make him happy. And he also apologised for asking so many times to meet up, but that he really liked spending time with me, cuddling, kissing and all. That I made him feel really good. And that he’s scared to lose me “again” (as we have been having contact on and off for over 10 years).
A couple of hours later he was really down, I could feel it. And he apologised and said that he probably did have more hope or expectations than he had realised. And this made me feel really bad. I knew this. I knew he had evolved feelings already and that he was having hope, and that’s why it was so important to me to tell him those things. We talked for a while about this and told him that this didn’t mean “no to ‘us'”, it meant that I needed some time in this stage we currently are on and take it slow. It doesn’t mean I don’t see us working out. And by now we can talk normally again, so I think it was a good thing to do. He did say he was grateful that I was being honest, but it also was hard on him, I noticed that.
Basically… we are back to zero, not knowing where the future leads us, but as it seems, we are both eager to take things slow and see where the future leads us. I don’t know if it’ll take me a year to put my mind around this, or if it takes me 2 months. But I am just sick of rushing into something I don’t want – for the sake of the other guy. I need to take a step back and think about my feelings first – or I will hurt yet another guy who is important to me, just because I want to force feelings to show up. So this was good. I think.