This post is not going to be about any of the new guys
I’m trying at least. I just wanted to say how happy I am.
I have been happy since the breakup, I’m not gonna lie. My life has increased a lot. Just today I said to my mom I am so glad that the anxiety is gone again. I’ve had one panic attack, which was kind of still connected with Momo, but ever since that (it was in December): nothing. I was in a crowded place today, which usually brings anxiety to me. Nothing. I am so much better without him and I am wondering if I didn’t even have a problem in the first place, but was getting anxious because there was no understanding from him? I will see. In November I’m going to a concert with my brother and if I don’t get anxious then, it really was because of Momo. Like, I know that I am scared of crowded places, but it was never as bad as with Momo. Anyway I’m chattering, you get the point!
So yes, I am much happier without him. But you know what?
I am even happier now. It is great to feel something again. Yes, I am absolutely terrified that I let too many feelings slip from my little castle I have built up. I am so scared to meet Ken and not get what I want. Or not be able to give him what he wants. I am absolutely shattered about it. But then again, I am also very happy that there are feelings again.
When I broke up with Momo I just switched them off. I just didn’t let any emotions slip anymore, because I was done trying to deal with all the emotions at once (has anyone seen “The Vampire Diaries”? It feels like the humanity switch to me..) But now, getting back into flirting and getting attention. Being told what a wonderful person I am. It feels good. Really good. And yes, there might be pain, and I might not get what I want. But at least I feel again, and I am glad.
I have been dancing around the house all day today. I was actually full with energy, went out for a run after walking for 40minutes straight already. I didn’t do as much in the last half year in one day. (At least not when I wasn’t angry and wanted to get that out). Where does the energy come, when I slept a total of 10 hours for the last 2 nights? Yes, it is the happiness. I fell asleep with a smile on my face, and woke up with one. I haven’t felt this good in a long long time.